THE COURAGE TO FORGIVE AN ABUSER

When I was in elementary school, a relative abused me sexually. It went on for quite a while. I didn't know any better. Didn't even know what an abuser was. He told me I made him feel good and happy.

Because I'd been taught to be a respectful little girl, I certainly didn't want to make him feel bad. But, why couldn't I tell anyone? And, why were we always doing it in secret? If it was so good, shouldn't it be shared? Sharing all of my toys was right. Why not this?

Then one day I happened to be watching TV with my parents. An advertisement came on about VD.

"What is VD?" I asked Mom.

She answered, "Venereal disease. A disease of the private parts. Usually because sex, which is an activity of the private parts, is abused."

I was dumbfounded.

I didn't tell my parents what this relative was doing. Though they were the best parents ever, I feared their anger. Big time.

But later on, when I was alone with the relative and he started taking my clothes off, I covered myself back up. I told him I wasn't going to do that anymore. Thankfully, he never hurt me. He tried seducing me a few more times, but neither flattery nor guilt could convince me that what he was doing was normal. And he stopped. This illustrated what I have since read in Science and Health: Innocence and Truth overcome guilt and error" (p. 568). My own innocence and truthfulness were a power I could depend on.

At one point, however, I went through a stage of resentment. The abuser had lied. I wasn't bad if I didn't make him feel good. Oh, how I needed, and wanted, to learn to trust.

Paying attention in Sunday School and thinking about God on my own, I got the realization that resentment had nothing to do with God. I could not trust resentment to keep me safe. But I could trust God. So, I searched for a quality of God to trust in, and it came to me that spiritual courage was one. I could trust the spiritual courage that He would give me —courage to participate in any activity I needed to. And, most wonderful of all, I found spiritual courage was within me. I could feel it. Furthermore, I could share it. When older and married, I had the courage to learn what appropriate sex was and how it can be approached.

I also have to say here that spiritual courage became more and more evident in my relative as I dealt with my resentment. This man and I have had a constructive relationshop now for 30 years. There is a window of understanding between us, a view of one another as God sees us, with neither sensuality nor anger. This window I would call "Christ."

It's where our objectives become God-based. I openly advocate exposing abuse, talking to someone who can help, and even learning the art of self-defense. However, this is only from the standpoint of expressing Truth, a name for God. Not out of fear or resentment.

The truth is, feeling good and doing right come from knowing God, and knowing ourselves as God made us. This fact is very trustworthy. My happiness, and the happiness of others, comes from God.

Because of the sensitive nature of the subject, the author asked not to be identified.

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