What I’ve learned about hooking up

Name Withheld

I was intrigued by the concept of “hooking up” because it was what all my friends were doing. At the time, it seemed to me that hooking up took a level of confidence and vulnerability that I admired, and I wanted to experience that. So I started having a casual sexual relationship with a friend. He seemed “safe,” since I had no romantic feelings for him, and we were clear from the outset that it was casual.

At first, I felt confident and thought the experience was empowering. It was exciting to receive attention and appreciation in this way, and I felt in control of the situation. Still, I had a feeling deep down that substantial or lasting good wasn’t going to come from casual physical intimacy.

Part of what made me feel in control was that I didn’t feel a deep level of care for this friend. But I hadn’t considered how this relationship might be affecting him. He told me he didn’t like the way our interactions made him feel because it didn’t seem like I had the level of interest in and care for him that he wanted. I wanted to be kind, so I responded by showing more care for him and taking more interest in him.

I was angry at myself for not handling the relationship better.

But then I developed feelings for him. I realized that what I enjoyed most from our interactions was the connection and care, and that I could nurture both without physical intimacy. This made me reconsider our relationship. I explained this to him, and he understood, so we decided to stop hooking up.

After a few months, my feelings for him hadn’t gone away, and they made me feel down and very out of control. I developed intense anxiety and had anxiety attacks whenever I saw or interacted with him, which I had to do regularly at school. I recognized that my response was extreme, and I was angry with myself for not handling the relationship better.

My friends couldn’t really help me, and I was concerned about sharing the situation with my parents because I thought they would be disappointed in my behavior. Unsure of how to move forward, I began turning to God in heartfelt prayer.

I knew from studying Christian Science that I could think of God as a friend. I knew I could lean on God for support and listen to God for ideas that would result in spiritual growth and healing. I started doing this sincerely. In my prayers, I worked to silence my own thoughts and just listen to God, trying to feel God’s loving presence, where I lost any sense of being condemned and felt assured of my innate goodness as His child.

I realized that rather than thinking of my personal history as defining me, I could trust God to tell me what my identity was as His likeness. The truth is that goodness is mine because God created me, which means I express God’s goodness constantly and perfectly. This was an important step in my ability to forgive others and judge less, as I understood practically what it means that all of us have a spiritually perfect identity, regardless of personal history.

I started to feel God’s presence like that of a friend’s. When I began to spiral from anxiety, I could say no to those thoughts with confidence because of what I was learning about my spiritual identity as God’s, Spirit’s, expression—completely spiritual and only good. I understood that when I felt out of control, the truth was that God made me to be calm, confident, and unafraid. And I knew that as perfect Love, God never punishes anyone. God’s love never wavers, and we can always turn back to it, even when we feel we haven’t made good decisions. Soon, the anxiety lessened, and the attacks became less frequent. As my relationship with God was strengthened, I realized that my true desire was to love people in a caring way, which wouldn’t include casual hookups. After that, the anxiety left completely, and I understood that I have dominion over any thoughts that are ungodlike.

In retrospect, developing a deeper relationship with God was central to this healing and to my progress in general. I experienced a new sense of joy that permeated my days, even when doing small things like homework, cleaning, and crafting. I found a greater sense of worth, and that allowed me to interact with others more lovingly and be less affected by criticism and less concerned about how my body looked. I even grew closer to my parents because I decided to share what I’d been learning with them and was so grateful for the spiritual clarity and comfort they responded with.

In addition to experiencing God as a source of support, my deepening relationship with God helped me safeguard my thoughts and make decisions that were more God-led. I found this promise from Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy very resonant: “Working and praying with true motives, your Father will open the way” (p. 326).

I’ve found that what is truly satisfying in relationships is feeling sincere closeness to someone and being courageous in expressing care for others. Now I seek relationships where my spiritual individuality is appreciated and in which others can see and trust my goodness and spiritual value—and I can do the same for them.

These realizations made me think about the discussion of animal courage versus moral courage in Science and Health. Animal courage is the kind of impulse that initially made hooking up sound appealing to me because I was trying something that I thought might make me uncomfortable. Animal courage is about instinct and ego; moral courage involves understanding how to love humanity better and making decisions in line with better motives, including sacrificing self-interest.

The love that flows from God includes the natural desire to express care and commitment toward others.

Mrs. Eddy wrote in Science and Health that Jesus rebuked “resentment or animal courage” (p. 48). I learned that moral courage grows out of an awareness of God’s love and a desire to express that love, which is reformative and elevating to everyone who experiences it. The love that flows from God includes the natural desire to understand others, express care and commitment toward them, and see them as God’s expression, too. True vulnerability is in the meekness that expresses love without needing it to be accepted or reciprocated.

The immense good that has come out of turning to God in this experience has allowed me to see problems as opportunities to know God and myself better. And I’ve witnessed how spiritual growth is both transformative and completely satisfying.

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