'Hardwired' for love, not anger
When I was in high school, I started attending a Christian Science Sunday School. While I did not understand everything discussed in class, I did get the sense that Christian Scientists expect to connect with God in a tangible way when they pray. I wanted to experience that sense of God’s presence when I prayed. So I read the first chapter in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy, titled “Prayer,” several times. I liked the very first line in the chapter because it spoke of prayer reforming and healing us: “The prayer that reforms the sinner and heals the sick is an absolute faith that all things are possible to God,—a spiritual understanding of Him, an unselfed love” (p. 1 ). I thought these ideas were worthy goals—faith based on a spiritual understanding of God and love not rooted in one’s own interests.
As I studied this chapter, I was helped to understand that prayer had less to do with asking God to bless me, and more to do with understanding that God, by His very nature, blesses all. I was encouraged to consider that prayer had more to do with watching my inner thoughts and less to do with the self-justification that may come from long, wordy, audible prayers. Finally, I saw that prayer is rooted in an earnest desire to be good and culminates in striving to express goodness.
One night I had an opportunity to put what I was learning about prayer into practice. My sister and I had always shared a room, but I felt I’d had enough of sharing. I asked my parents for my own quarters, but wasn’t given that option. My sister and I had been feuding about our routines. She loved to get up extra early to fix her hair, and the noise woke me earlier than I liked. I loved to read in bed before sleeping, and the light kept her awake longer than she liked. We each felt the other was being selfish and inconsiderate.
As I said no to anger, I was able to think about God, infinite Love, impartial and universal.
One evening, as we were discussing a compromise, tensions boiled over and she hit me. I was overwhelmed with anger, but curbed my inclination to retaliate. I marched into the living room and curled up in a chair. In addition to being angry, my feelings were hurt. I felt victimized. My thoughts turned to God. I prayed. In the Bible, Jesus introduces the concept of entering into the “closet” to pray (see Matthew 6:6 ), and Science and Health states that this “closet typifies the sanctuary of Spirit, the door of which shuts out sinful sense but lets in Truth, Life, and Love.” So I tried to follow Mrs. Eddy’s guidance to “enter into the closet and shut the door. We must close the lips and silence the material senses. In the quiet sanctuary of earnest longings, we must deny sin and plead God’s allness” (p. 15 ). I worked to shut out “sinful sense,” to get rid of the thoughts that cried out: “You should be angry! Your sister behaved horribly!” I had to say no to anger and hurt even though there was a part of me that wanted to blame my sister for the conflict and see her as the enemy.
But I persisted in saying no to these inflammatory thoughts. Instead, I focused on what God knew about each of us, His children, made in His image and likeness (see Genesis 1:26, 27 ). Denying sin and pleading God’s allness included recognizing that neither my sister nor I were separate from God. As I said no to anger, I was able to think about God, infinite Love, impartial and universal. I affirmed that God, Love, was right where I was, loving me, and right where my sister was, loving her. In fact, I knew if God was Love and man was His image and likeness, man had to be naturally loving. It was in both my sister and me to express love as we were “hardwired” for it!
Soon it was as if the gates of heaven opened. I felt the warmth and light of divine Love itself all around me. I was enveloped in a sweet sense of God’s goodness, His impartiality, kindness, and patience. I no longer entertained any sense of hurt. I felt washed clean of selfish and angry sentiments that encouraged me to put my needs in front of my sister’s. I was inspired and uplifted by divine Love’s presence. I knew my sister and I were in reality God’s children, not warring factions. We were joined together in our common relation to God. Within moments of experiencing that sense of God with me, my sister was hugging me and apologizing for hitting me. I was also apologizing for being stubborn and difficult. We spoke from the heart, saw our own wrongdoing, and recognized each other’s goodness. In other words, we were reformed. A feud, which had lasted months, dissolved in moments of prayer. We shared a room for several more years, but with more respect for our differences, a greater desire to accommodate each other, and a true appreciation of our Godlikeness. More important, I found this experience very encouraging in my quest to know how to connect with God through prayer.
