WHAT I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR IS WHAT I HAVE NOW

PATRICIA ORNETT

I wanted to feel light, free, and find a way out of the trap, the monotony. I wanted to say I was so, so sorry. To move on, comfort those around me, say it would be OK and mean it. I wanted to feel unity with everything and everyone. For a long time I didn't feel any of this. What I now know is, those desires for a better existence were prayer (see Science and Health, p. 1).

Starting in middle school, I was obsessed by thoughts of suicide. I was diagnosed as manic depressive and given medications. I took them off and on, but they made me feel worse. Later I got into heavy drinking and eating disorders. At first they seemed to offer hope, a way out of suffering, and a opportunity to change myself. But at some point that suddenly flipped, and my fears became more extreme.

This all went on for about ten years. I felt I was letting down everyone trying to help me, and I couldn't help myself with will-power. I longed to be a better person than I felt I was. Finally, I started to be honest with myself about my fears—for instance, the fear that I was worthless. Honesty was key. I learned not to be afraid to pour out my heart to God. And then I prayed that these fears be removed. It was letting God be God, instead of thinking I had to fix everything. Things started to shift. I felt the action of God, and the fears began lifting. I was becoming childlike and open to receive more.

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