Article January 1, 2001 ISSUE

Self-Respect & Sex

with contributions from Emily Hopkins

Whether you're dating, or just going out with someone, you may have had to deal with the pressure to get too close for comfort.

In an interview with the Herald, ninth grader Emily Hopkins, of Swanton, Vermont, USA, talks about the sexual pressures teens face, and how self-respect enables her to stick up for herself.

Sex is a really big issue in high school. When you're going out with a guy, you're expected to do more than kissing at first. Then guys expect you to go all the way, and it's really disappointing to me.

How do you deal with that?

I'm 14 years old and my parents don't let me date yet. But if I happen to go out with somebody, I tell them right up front that l'm not like that. If they really like me, they'll respect my opinion about things.

Why do you feel this way?

Well, sex is just a special thing that you should share with the right person. I've talked a lot with my parents about sex, and they think that you should wait until you're married. And I sometimes talk to my Sunday School teacher about issues at school. She suggests that I read the chapter on Marriage in Science and Health. I haven't really read it, but my mom discusses stuff from the chapter with me. And that helps a lot.

Do your friends feel the same way you do about sex before marriage?

Most of my friends aren't really having sex, but they're doing some things that I don't think are appropriate. And I talk to them all the time. They come to school and tell me what they do.

A lot of girls are scared. They feel like they have to do what the guy wants, or he'll break up with them. Or he'll start saying some bad things about them. My friend was going out with this one guy, and they got involved with some sexual stuff. Then they broke up, and he started telling everybody lies about her.

If one of your girlfriends told you she didn't really want to have sex, but she was afraid of being dumped, what would you say to her?

I'd tell her how much of a big deal this is, and l'd tell her to tell him if he really loved her he'd respect her choice to wait. Because I would think that if he did really love her, he wouldn't pressure her about something she didn't want. If he still didn't listen, then they should just break up, because he doesn't respect her. What's the point of the relationship if that's all he wants? And I would ask her if she really loved him enough to say that to him.

Do you think that magazines and television influence attitudes about sex?

Oh, yeah! In magazines the way people dress sells sex. Especially TV; they show teenagers having sex. People say, ”If it's OK to have sex in the movies, then why isn't it OK to do in real life?” TV and magazines do target teens, and they get them in this whole thing of, ”This is cool, you're going to do this.”

What's important to you in a relationship?

I think trust is a big thing, and just enjoying the company of the person. Sex is not everything. You wouldn't want to marry somebody just to have sex with them. You have to be able to talk to them. And tell them how you feel about things, and have them listen to you. Actually I just talked to my mom the other night about appearance. She said that appearance isn't everything because if you have a really handsome husband but he acts like a jerk, then it really isn't worth it. And so that kind of relates to the sex thing.

Do you think that self-esteem has to do with how teens deal with pressure to have sex?

Yes, if somebody doesn't have self-esteem, they can't stick up for themselves. But if somebody has high self-esteem, they're really straightforward and say "No.”

Where can someone get self-esteem if he or she doesn't think they have any?

You can pray about it. You can know that you're a reflection of God. Almost like if you were looking in a mirror. And there's nothing wrong with God. I don't think low self-esteem is something God has. He's the Almighty. As a reflection of God, you naturally have self-esteem.

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Peace with my parents
January 1, 2001
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