Testimony of Healing January 12, 1974 Issue

To a world suffering from a sense of lost or mistaken identity,...

Carol Knickerbocker

To a world suffering from a sense of lost or mistaken identity, Christian Science brings sweet revelation of indestructible, blissful identity. My parents' understanding of Christian Science and my simple trust brought many blessings to me as a child, but one cannot forever gain benefits vicariously. In high school and college, failing to make Christian Science my own by proving its Principle, I succumbed to mental and moral challenges. I sank into a vacuum of lost identity, always thinking that sometime in the future I would really begin to live Christian Science. My thoughts were usually self-oriented—full of self-consciousness, self-depreciation, self-condemnation, moodiness, doubt, and regret.

Upon graduating from college I was nearly immobilized by a sense of guilt and futility. If my future were to be a continuation of what had already passed, I didn't want to go on. I couldn't bear the thought of any more mistakes. In desperation I applied for a teaching position in another state, sending applications to many superintendents of schools. While waiting for replies, I kept knowing God's law ensured my being in the right place. Soon three superintendents had called, offering me jobs and wanting an immediate response. Not one of the offers had any distinguishing factors that would have made it more attractive than the other two. I had one night to think about the offers, and all three men were going to call back the next morning for my answer.

That night I prayed from the depths of my heart. In Christian Science we know that if our prayers aren't answered it is because we "ask amiss" (James 4:3). But Mary Baker Eddy says on page 1 in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures that "desire is prayer"; and with this sincerity we are led to prayer that is effective. As I started with the thought that I would make the right decision, gradually my thinking became more accurate and scientific. I didn't have to worry about a right or wrong decision in either the present or the past. I simply must know my own true identity as God's beloved child. With an indescribable peace came the sure knowledge that I had never been in a wrong place, that I had never made a mistake. I caught a wonderful glimpse of my whole existence as an eternal unfolding of good, without beginning or end, flawless and indestructible. My identity had always been one with God. With a feeling of freedom and contentment I had never known before, I went to sleep as the sun began to rise.

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