Article April 29, 2002 Issue

Can trust in God be restored?

By Lois Rae Carlson

IT WAS THE END OF my first year as a young widow on my own with two children. We'd just moved to Chicago. My parents wanted to give me some time alone, so my dad met the moving van, helped my children unpack boxes, and took them off to music camp. I was being given an incredible gift of freedom after a year of coping with the loss of my husband and learning the pace of single parenthood.

With my move over and the children in good hands, I took some friends up on an offer to use their chalet in Switzerland in the hamlet of Le Breona, near the town of La Forclas, to be alone and devote time to getting to know God better. Before long, I was on an Alpine trail hiking the two-hour trek up the mountain.

But instead of freedom, I was feeling anguish. At first I thought it was only a side effect of exhaustion from the move, the long flight from the United States, and the strenuous hike. But as I sat alone on the chalet's terrace, I saw that while I had expected to be feeling closer to God, I was actually questioning His very existence. I was consumed with bitterness about my husband's passing and with fear for my children's future—and my own. I felt stupid and naive to have ever believed in God.