Dear___:

I've thought so much about our conversation at lunch several weeks ago. You and your boyfriend had just broken things off, and you still missed him a lot. But you knew something had been lacking in that relationship—maybe from the very start. Something you called a "spiritual dimension." And you were wondering how to start dating again.

I remember we talked about some things you thought might help: a singles club, a dating service, or getting the word around that you're "available" now.

You know, though, I'm not sure any of those ideas would—in and of themselves—find you the kind of special relationship you want, one that's got something spiritual and long-lasting at the center of it. One that might even grow into a marriage. I honestly feel that finding a satisfying relationship like that is going to take something deeper—something like prayer.

Now, let me explain what I mean by prayer. As a Christian Scientist, I think of prayer as different from putting in a request to God—one like "Please send me a new special person in my life...one who's nice-looking, intelligent, and preferably interested in music!"

Of course, such a request certainly does reach out to God with open arms. And that's good. But doesn't it also underestimate what God can do for us, what He already has done for us?

He's created us as His beloved children, made in His very own image, complete in every detail. Each of us, as the spiritual likeness of God, expresses our Father-Mother's beauty and glory in some absolutely distinct way. Our growing recognition and living of this truth make us attractive in the highest sense of the word. After all, who could resist qualities like honesty, charity, purity, joy, gentleness, sincerity, loyalty? And expressing these God-given qualities day by day, even hour by hour, is a vital aspect of prayer. As Mrs. Eddy says (she's the one who discovered Christian Science), "What we most need is the prayer of fervent desire for growth in grace, expressed in patience, meekness, love, and good deeds" (Science and Health).

Not only can we express God's love, but we can receive His love—beyond anything we could possibly imagine. The Bible describes God's overflowing goodness this way: "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

Maybe, then, one way to pray about your dating situation would be to open up to the vibrant manifestations of divine Love all around you: the store clerk who asks you how your day is going and then listens to your answer; the man dressed up for work who stoops down on the sidewalk to give a homeless person some change; even the family cat who nestles into your lap when you watch TV. In a way, every instance like this is an answer to your prayers. Each one can be seen as a small but sure sign that God loves His children and that He loves you.

You may feel that God's love isn't enough to satisfy you ...to fill up a lonely weekend or make you feel right when the blind date you had a few nights ago doesn't call you back. But when you think about the healing power behind every impulse of God's love you'll ever feel, every unselfish act you'll ever witness—then you can see why the love of God is so supremely satisfying. Because divine Love knows no beginning and no end, you can never be outside of it. Love is always with you. God's everlasting arms are always around you.

Actually, I haven't always felt that God's love was so completely fulfilling. As a teenager, I wanted boyfriends. Period. But some of those early dating experiences were less than happy. Either I got hurt, or I managed to hurt someone else (without meaning to, of course). Finally I asked myself, "Why is dating so important to you, anyhow?" Frankly, I was thinking mainly about what having a boyfriend could do for me. I saw dating as a way of enhancing my reputation or saving me from the embarrassment of not having an escort for a big event.

My motives for dating needed to become less self-centered and more God-centered. Now, it may sound funny to talk about God-centered motives for dating, but I think it's a key point. Dating is like anything else we do, in that it will be perfectly miserable for us if we do it for strictly selfish motives. But dating can be a real, spiritual adventure if we do it out of the purest love we can muster for God and His dear children.

In Science and Health Mrs. Eddy asks some questions that relate to our motives for prayer. These questions offer a standard for prayer that, to me, is a good measuring rod for our motives in dating. She asks, "Do we love our neighbor better because of this asking?" And further along on that page she asks this: "Dost thou 'love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind'?"

Answering these questions with a "Yes" would just have to wipe out a me-centered approach to dating and ground us more solidly in the unchanging love of God. It would make us think first of the other person, and not of ourselves—of caring for him, cherishing all that is good in him as evidence of God's goodness, and even releasing him if that's truly what would bless him most.

Romances may come and go, but our relationship with God is forever. Our dear Father-Mother will never play games with us, never lose interest in us, never walk out on us. Our relationship to Him is the key to all other relationships. Understanding it shows us how to give and to receive real love. It provides a standard for human love. And it adds wonderful color and zing—that "spiritual dimension" you talked about—to any relationship.

Mary Metzner Trammell