When the Sentinel decided to discuss the subject of sensuality in a cover feature, we wanted to hear from young people who had already thought and prayed a lot about this topic. So when we met up with BRANT ARTHUR, ARIANA HERLINGER, JUSTIN BYRD, and ELLEN HAMMOND, twenty-something staffers at The Mother Church's newly formed department, TMC Youth, we asked if they might have some leads about people we could talk to for this issue. After a lively discussion, we realized they had a lot of wonderful ideas to share.

The four of them sat down at their computers one night and spilled their thoughts on a subject they realize is not just for young people to sort out, but one many adults also struggle to make sense of. The next morning, we got back these inspired and honest insights.

BRANT ARTHUR

In high school, I was usually thinking sensual thoughts in one way or another. I felt that sensuality was a dirty old bad thing, and I started into judging other people, as well as myself, for having sensual thoughts. I looked down on people for the very thing that I myself felt so confused about. Did I want to be loved? Was sensuality something inside of me? Did I feel I should be doing all the physical roughhousing that my culture told me I should be doing? All I know is that I felt hollow and alone, without an outlet for my love.

But in my loneliness, God comes along saying, "I love you." And I go, "No way, I can't feel it." Still, to have God say something like that to me kind of made me stop and think. I thought about whether it was nobler to suffer this hollow feeling, and whether or not my feelings about sensuality were just a distorted love for myself. In the end, I decided I needed to do something bold, and the boldest thing I could think of was to humbly accept God's love. When I did, I could actually feel this love, and it just filled up that hollow sensation. It gave me confidence that God was loving me for all my unseen good. It was a starting point for a lot more progress. 

Now here's the part I've found most helpful. It's the idea that if God is so unselfish as to give me His love, I need to find a way to express my love for God.

This has helped me get away from myself and start to rise above my whole confusion over sensuality—about whether or not it's part of me.

Instead of my love being turned inward, it needs to turn outward toward God. I don't think doing this will be easy, but the process of thinking this through has been healing for me.

Brant and his wife, Bronwen, live in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, where they enjoy playing frisbee with their comrades and looking for strange places on the world map. E-mail: arthurb@csps.com.

ARIANA HERLINGER

When defined broadly, sensuality could include just about anything pleasurable. Like a love affair with chocolate. Or a massage after a long day of skiing. Then there's the obvious sexual connotation that goes with it.

It can get complicated trying to keep a loving relationship from turning into a sensual one. Plus, it seems like everywhere you look, we are being bombarded with the idea that we are material beings and if we don't embrace our sensuality, we'll end up alone and miserable. The arguments are pervasive and often seem logical: I should be able to live my life in the way I want. If it feels good, how can it be bad? Why do I have to miss out on all the most pleasurable things in life? why does it matter if it isn't affecting anyone else?

But then I did a little research and I looked up the definition of sensual from an unbiased, nonreligious source. I found this meaning: "lacking in moral or spiritual interests" (dictionary.com). That's definitely not something I want to defend.

Looking a little deeper, I researched what Mary Baker Eddy had to say about sensuality. It is interesting to see what other words she lumped together with the term: self-love, self-justification, fear, anger, passion, selfishness. This puts an interesting perspective on sensuality, as I'm pretty sure I don't want to express those qualities.

Mrs. Eddy was also fairly clear on the subject, when she stated, "Sensuality palsies the right hand, and causes the left to let go its grasp on the divine" (Science and Health, p. 142). She definitely didn't mince words there.

Sensuality and spiritual progress don't really go hand in hand. I guess sensuality can be defined as anything that controls thought and pulls it away from God. What it comes down to for me is whether I want to see myself and those around me as spiritual or material. Am I going to look for happiness and satisfaction through spiritual means or material ones? The problem with the material route, even though it may seem more fun, is that it is always limited and constantly changing, so you can't really rely on it. While the pleasurable can be tempting, I know I want my happiness and sense of security and worth to be grounded in something more substantial.

I've also found that when I look to matter for pleasure, it makes it difficult for me to refute the negative suggestions of matter as well—sickness, limitations, pain, chance, etc. While I'm not always as clear as I want to be about sensuality, I know I definitely don't want to accept myself as material. Sensuality is firmly rooted in material sense and matter. Just as it's impossible to understand the infinite in terms of finiteness, we can't understand God through material sense.

Praying through sensuality seems to be more of a journey than a destination. But it doesn't always have to be a struggle. It's more of a process. And it doesn't necessarily start by changing behavior, but by changing thought—by seeing ourselves and those around us from a spiritual basis.

Ariana has lived and worked in West Africa for the past four years. She enjoys snowboarding, traveling, and dreaming of summer. Her home base is in Brighton, Massachusetts. E-mail: herlingera@csps.com.

JUSTIN BYRD

I will not give up, no matter what. If I fall down, I will dust myself off and stand tall. Sensual thoughts whisper in my ear. "You're lonely," they say. "Come, look over here and forget your loneliness in your lusts."

"I won't have it!" I say to them. "Too many long nights and lonely days have been spent in your cold arms. You have got to go. This is no easy task and I don't claim myself over it, but let me tell you, I have had enough of your lies, robbing my peace, stealing my joy, pleading for your selfish satisfaction. Have you ever brought me peace? No . . . Joy? No . . . Love? No. Then, may I ask what are you doing in my life?"

I want something substantial—life-giving, not life-taking. And that is why Christian Science is so important to me. It helps me understand a peace, joy, and love from God that are real and permanent. A love from God that cares and comforts me. A divine Love that heals and brings peace. A Love that is there for me and you. This is the Love that I want in my life.

Justin enjoys sports, playing the guitar, and "shootin' the breeze" with friends. He lives in Boston. E-mail: byrdj@csps.com.

ELLEN HAMMOND

I've always had a deep hunger to love others, to feel valued and connected in a meaningful way. But this has sometimes led me down the wrong path.

In college, I often did things that I thought guys wanted, but more important, I thought I wanted to do things with them. I ended up feeling unfulfilled and empty when I related to guys like this. I would go from one relationship to the next, sometimes extremely afraid to be alone. I thought I could only relate to guys physically. There came a point when it hit me—my fear and desperation needed major uplifting. I was extremely unhappy with how unsettled I felt.

I realized that my unsettledness stemmed from the need to truly understand who we all are as children of God. As I study Christian Science day to day, I find that the labels I place on people actually stop me from seeing them as God sees them. I don't want to limit how clear my view is of God's kingdom!

As I continued to pray about my ideal relationship, it became so obvious to me—it's already in place! I'm already involved in an established relationship, the one I have with God as a protector, provider, encourager, tenderly loving friend who always listens without judgment and meets me where I am.

This new way of viewing God has forced me to reconcile with my old model of thinking, and has redefined how I relate to guys. I've found this statement by Mrs. Eddy very helpful: "... [we] need only turn from sin [lust] and lose sight of mortal selfhood to find Christ, the real man and his relation to God ..." (Science and Health, p. 316). CSS

Ellen lives in Boston. When she's not hard at work, she enjoys biking, hiking, traveling, and museum hopping. E-mail: hammonde@csps.com