Article November 7, 2005 Issue

FOUND: 'A deep-settled calm'

By Betty Jenks

If experience makes one an expert, then I suppose I could say I am an expert on the subject of turbulent thoughts! From childhood I would often wrestle with disturbing unanswered questions, asking my parents many times a day, "Why? Why? Why?" In loving patience, my parents didn't discourage me from my demands but instead assured me that I would discover the answers for myself one day.

And they were right. At least now when those obsessive intrusions come that threaten to deprive me of my peace, I know that no amount of analyzing and rehearsing the confusion will ever lead me to the peaceful calm I'm seeking. It is not always easy, but at least I know that these mental struggles are opportunities to prove that each of us has the capability to silence the din of disturbed thought. One definition of the word din aptly puts it as "an attempt to impress by wearying repetition." So I refuse to be impressed!

These intruding mental gymnastics seem to be a universal pastime, even though not by our conscious choice. We're all confronted with this aggressive mental state of thinking when a situation seems to insist on provoking anxiety, blame, confusion, or fear, with our vacillating between self-justification and self-condemnation, or self-pity and self-righteousness. This cacophony of mental confusion often then leads to hopelessness about the situation.