RELATIONSHIPS January 5, 2004 Issue

What's right, not who's right

Barbara Vining

"Forty-Seven years? That's amazing! How have you managed to stay together that long?"

That's what my husband and I often hear from young servers who wait on our table when we dine out on our wedding anniversary. Their question is asked in fun, and on the run, but I think they genuinely want to know what contributes to making a relationship hang together. So, of the two things that immediately come to mind, I cheerily share the one I think they might get a kick out of, and perhaps get some good from, at the same time: "My husband and I know that it's not who's right, but what's right, that matters." We all laugh, but the idea lingers in the atmosphere of thought.

That little rule—what's right, not who's right—has many times saved the day for me and my husband, in our relationship with one another and in our relationships with others, and guided us into constructive, cooperative action. In fact, we're still learning from it, as a recent incident illustrates.