What got me going again

One thing I remember about depression is that no one understood me. There’s this expectation you’ll just snap out of it—keep the same life, but maybe work in more fun or take a pill. I found this response made things worse for me. Whenever I encountered it, I felt more isolated and even began to feel suicidal.

I watched lots of reruns for a few years and slept a lot. Eventually though, I found a friend—reading. Some of it was escapist stuff, but later, I turned to self-help titles. From this reading, I found that I wanted a better life.

With books, I could take from them what I wanted. For some reason, I had a problem with thinking of drugs as a solution, so I rejected the books that pushed medication. I was convinced the problem was internal—in a place that drugs can’t reach. It related to my role in life, my place in the universe. I didn’t need a pill but a reason to get going again.

The book I found most helpful was Mary Baker Eddy’s Science and Health. One thing it says is that “… the new man or real man is put on, in proportion as mortals realize the Science of man and seek the true model.” A new way of looking at my life was what I wanted—with new purpose, or a new, better reason to get going.

The phrase “new man” perfectly describes the transformation of the Christian disciple Paul. First named Saul, he was an intensely religious man who hated and persecuted Christians because he didn’t understand Jesus’ message of salvation. Then, while he was on his way to hunt down more Christians, the book of Acts reports that “there shined round about him a light from heaven: and he … heard a voice saying unto him, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? … And he trembling and astonished said, Lord, what wilt thou have me to do? And the Lord said unto him, … it shall be told thee what thou must do.”

As he had that vision of Jesus, Saul suddenly realized not only that he was wrong in persecuting Christians, but also that at least one person had died as a result. I’ve never read anything connecting Paul’s experience with depression, but no one would dispute that this encounter left him in a funk. According to the Bible, “He was three days without sight, and neither did eat nor drink.” It strikes me as intense depression. He found himself at a profound crossroads.

The disciple Ananias had a vision too—one that told him to go to Saul and heal him. It’s clear that Saul’s eyesight was restored, but more than that happened. He wasn’t just restored to his same life, but found his true life and a new reason to get going in God’s service. It was so dramatic a transition that he took Paul as his new name. His life after this had no relation to what he had done before—he became a devout Christian disciple. Out of that depression and doubt, he had become a new man.

I think we all have these transitions; they may be less dramatic than Paul’s and might be more drawn out. But Paul was an intense guy with intense experiences. It’s interesting to me that Paul’s transition started with “a light from heaven.” I like to think of the light as inspiration. The first result of this inspiration was that Paul’s present life, which had seemed so important and driven, no longer made sense to him. No wonder he couldn’t see where to go—and that this feeling took form as blindness. When this happens to one of us, it could be a job that has just lost its joy, or an activity that we once loved but now find unsatisfying. We want something new, but we need inspiration to move forward again.

New inspiration can come through books, an Ananias, or directly into thought. In any case, the inspiration itself, as its root word suggests, is spiritual. It’s from our divine Parent, or source, which loves us and points to something better. Because inspiration is spiritual, it transcends physical, human conditions. Anyone can tap into it anywhere, anytime.

To do this, we must begin by understanding that our origins are spiritual. With every wave of inspiration I’ve gotten, I’ve been increasingly convinced that despite everything I’ve seen to the contrary, we are all spiritual beings. What keeps everyone going is actually an idea or thought, some aspiration toward a more spiritual way of living as opposed to a material thing or force outside of thought. Ultimately, I believe that it’s a desire to be closer to God and to feel His love.

At one point, as I was working through my own feelings about depression, I realized that what I had considered to be my life actually wasn’t. My human history, what I’d experienced through the eyes and ears, wasn’t the real me. It was like something I had been watching. My real life and purpose were in the spiritual journey that had been going on always. We live in God, the divine Mind. The Bible’s words for the source of this life are Spirit and Love. It’s a life apart from the soap opera viewed through the physical senses, even though we may get only glimpses of its goodness and beauty.

I saw that my depression had come about because I was disappointed with how life appeared on the surface and that I wanted something more. But I couldn’t overcome my deep disappointments until I had a hold on something I could trust more than what I saw on the surface. And I did find that inspiration. It’s a rousing awareness of being so much more than what meets the eye, of really seeing myself as spiritual and deeply loved by God.

Mrs. Eddy wrote in Science and Health, “Earth has little light or joy for mortals before Life is spiritually learned. Every agony of mortal error helps error to destroy error, and so aids the apprehension of immortal Truth. This is the new birth going on hourly, by which men may entertain angels, the true ideas of God, the spiritual sense of being.”

Our lives are about love. God has so much of it for us to experience ourselves and to spread to others. By focusing on expressing and sharing this love, and not on what I might get from the world around me, I moved beyond my depressing, narrow horizons and found sure purpose and joy. There’s steady inspiration now. In fact, I feel so alive that occasionally I feel like I don’t even need to sleep.

When a mortal perspective on life gives way to an inspiring, spiritual one, everything changes. Darkness really does give way to light. And if it takes a while for you to make the transition, don’t be discouraged. This new birth will bring to light more goodness and purpose than you can imagine; it will open doors and lift your heart. Trust me. I’ve been there in depression land, and I’ve been set free. You can be free too.

Freed from depression:

Science and Health
548:12
409:24

King James Bible
Eph. 4:22-24
Col. 3:9, 10
Acts 9:3, 4, 6, 9