Just be yourself

For years I had a tense relationship with a certain family member. Whenever she visited, I found myself trying to do all I could to please her—to no avail. I ended up worn out and resentful, and we didn’t seem to get any closer as a result of my efforts.

Once when I was worrying aloud to a friend about an upcoming visit, she gently remarked, “Oh, just be yourself.” “Just be myself?” I thought. “What a trite, overused bit of advice that is!” I was already trying to be a super version of myself, and even that wasn’t working.

As I usually do in situations like this, I turned to God for inspiration and guidance. Previous prayers of mine had helped me to understand that harmony really is everyone’s natural state because we are all the sons and daughters of one divine, all-loving Parent. So even a longstanding relationship difficulty has to have a spiritual solution. I found a quiet place and took some time to listen for ideas from God regarding this upcoming visit. Interestingly, I couldn’t shake the idea of simply “being myself.”

It occurred to me that there might be something deeper I could learn from this advice. I looked for ideas regarding selfhood in Mary Baker Eddy’s writings and found: “In obedience to the divine nature, man’s individuality reflects the divine law and order of being. How shall we reach our true selves? Through Love.” From this standpoint, I recognized that the counsel to simply be myself actually had a good bit of merit—as long as I was willing to be my true self, the one that expresses God’s law of harmony. Mrs. Eddy continues in the next paragraph: “Who wants to be mortal, or would not gain the true ideal of Life and recover his own individuality? I will love, if another hates. I will gain a balance on the side of good, my true being” (Miscellaneous Writings 1883-1896, p. 104 ).

I didn’t feel hated by this relative, but, to be honest, I did feel that there were sometimes hateful emotions inside me when I thought about our relationship. The idea that I could rediscover my spiritual individuality by loving in the face of hate was new and exhilarating. I also felt that it was such practical counsel—giving me a much better model for her visits than the one I had been using.

I also saw that instead of responding to her as I would to others, I had tried to conform all my actions to what I thought she would want. When my efforts didn’t get the response I expected, I became frustrated and resentful. That, I realized, was actually the very opposite of being myself—my true self. I needed to conform to divine Love, which would allow me to express my joyful, spiritual being in practical ways.

That very next visit gave me many opportunities to try my new strategy. First, I prayed more—before, during, and after the visit—in order to better recognize that harmonious relationships are actually maintained by God, and they reflect “the divine law and order of being.” In other words, the default setting for relationships is harmony. I committed myself to conforming, even during tense moments, to divine Love’s view of her instead of returning to the old pattern of eager-to-please followed by resentful.

The very first effect of this new way of thinking was a wonderful release from feeling I needed to constantly evaluate her reaction to what I was doing. I really could love freely, not in order to get a certain response, but because that is what my true self does. So much emotion and drama simply evaporated from the relationship. The few rough spots we still had no longer accumulated to fuel my internal tension. I saw more clearly that they did not belong to either one of us, so they were more easily brushed away.

The second outcome was that I found new ways to interact with my relative that we both liked. For example, she is very proficient at her job and enjoys her field of work. I like to hear her talk about her professional life and the passion she feels about certain issues.

I now have a growing feeling of love for this family member. Our relationship is different than I thought it would be, but it is enjoyable, friendly, and peaceful. And I’m so happy about the way she has helped me discover more of my true individuality so that I can simply be myself.

Because we are made in God’s image, we are most truly being ourselves when we yield to His will. When we recognize and express God as Love—loving regardless of circumstances—then we break free from the world’s pull to act and react based on others’ behavior. We don’t compromise our individuality by conforming to something external. We can “just be ourselves”—our true selves!

True self:

Science and Health
316:3-7

King James Bible
Rom. 13:8