Does God actually exist?
I was spiraling.
I’d been working at a summer camp for Christian Scientists, and on my day off, I was struggling with a storm of aggressive thoughts about myself, those I cared about, and even the existence of God. In the middle of all this negativity, I thought, “How can God exist when I’m struggling with all these thoughts?”
Doubting God’s existence was something that had never come up for me before. I had grown up attending Christian Science Sunday School. I had experienced numerous healings and spent a lot of time studying the Bible and Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy.
Despite all this, there I was—having a crisis of faith. I thought, “God, please give me a sign that You exist and that I will be OK.” I expected to hear a booming voice from the heavens telling me, in cinematic fashion, that I wasn’t alone. But that didn’t happen. After feeling dejected about this apparent lack of divine communication, I suddenly had a very simple thought come to me: “I should go fill up my water bottle.”
After getting some water, I was ready to start the walk back to my cabin when I ran into the camp director, whom I’ve known for years. When he asked how I was, I said that I wasn’t feeling my best. Unexpectedly, he told me that “ice cream usually helps” and invited me to his home at camp to enjoy some ice cream. I agreed, and he served me vanilla ice cream with raspberries. While he couldn’t stay for long, he told me I could stick around to finish my ice cream and play with his dog.
After he left and I spent some time with his dog, the storm of negative thoughts—which had been so imposing before—melted away. I realized that this was a clear indication that God was fulfilling my need and is here for me. I could see that, since God is Love and the source of all love, the love expressed by the camp director wasn’t random, but was a specific expression of God as Love in my life.
After this dawned on me, I felt joyful for the rest of the day. It was a strong reminder that God
ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES PLUS
CHARLOTTE LONDON — STAFF
exists and is taking care of me in sometimes unexpected but always perfect ways.
Fast forward to this past summer, when I was in Boston for an internship. While I’m used to being away from family and most of my friends, this experience felt different. It was a new level of independence, and early on, I was very lonely. I also felt a lack of closeness with God—like I was out of God’s reach.
Previously, when I felt lonely, I would spend time in the park watching geese and other animals. It always brought me joy and comfort. So, when I prayed for a solution, the idea came to me to go to a nearby park. After spending several minutes watching geese, I noticed an older woman walk over and affectionately feed them. We each observed how much the other was enjoying the presence of the geese. We started talking about how much we loved nature and how beautiful it is. Time passed, and I realized that we had enjoyed a substantially long conversation, as it was almost nighttime. We exchanged names and went on our way.
As I left the park, I reflected on my experience with my new friend and the mutual love and appreciation we shared for God’s creation. To me, this proved that God was not only present with me but had also shown me that, despite being away from people I knew, I wasn’t alone. In fact, I was in a city full of God’s children.
I’m so glad to have learned that no matter how I perceive God at a particular moment, God is always present, always caring for me. Now I understand that even when a challenge arises, God’s love will always be there for me—sometimes in unexpected ways that are more perfect than I could ever imagine.
