If you’re afraid of not being good enough
It was a beautiful, sunny, perfect-for-ultimate-Frisbee afternoon. I’d parked next to a field where I knew a good pickup game would be starting soon. I opened my car door . . . and couldn’t get out. There was nothing wrong with me physically, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car.
I’d played ultimate Frisbee at the national and world levels. I absolutely loved competitive ultimate, and if someone wanted to play, I was in! But it had been a couple of years since I’d trained hard or played at a high level.
I’d just moved to one of the most competitive ultimate Frisbee cities in the United States, and I was hoping to get back into the mix. But now I was worried because I didn’t know who would be at the pickup game, and I wasn’t sure how well I’d play. I was nervous about what people would think of my game and the implications for the upcoming season. This was creating a mental turmoil more intense than the usual butterflies that any athlete might feel before competition.
I was worried because I didn’t know who would be at the pickup game, and I wasn’t sure how well I’d play.
I wanted to play with my usual peace and joy, and as a Christian Scientist, I associate those qualities with God. So I reached out to God in prayer. As I did, a simple question popped into my thought: “What are you so afraid of?”
A little answer cried out: “I’m afraid of not being good enough.”
The immediate, firm response was, “The only need is to be good.”
“Oh.” I paused. I thought slowly, “OK. I can do that. I can be good.”
The contrast between “good enough” and “good” was really striking. “Good enough” in that situation was dependent on human skill and assessment and included the risk of failure and/or others’ displeasure. By contrast, Christian Science teaches that spiritual goodness is a universal, beautiful, and joyful gift that comes from God and is assured by God’s love and government. Goodness is innate in each of us; it’s not dependent on our performance.
What that meant to me on that field was that I could be kind to other players and appreciate them and the way they played. I could enjoy the game and our beautiful surroundings. But it went even deeper than that. I know from studying Christian Science that all good comes from God. So this wasn’t so much about my human effort to be good as it was about naturally expressing God-given spiritual qualities. God, good, causes me to express good. I didn’t have to worry about the rest. I could rest in the familiar Bible promise that when we prioritize seeking, following, and expressing God, God takes care of the details and our needs (see Matthew 6:31–33). With that thought, the fear disappeared, and I was free.
I got out of my car and walked to the playing field. I introduced myself, cleated up, and warmed up. As I played, I did my best to love everyone and everything. It was wonderful, and I played extremely well. At one point, I got open against a very fast male defender and sprinted toward the end zone. I didn’t know the guy who had the disc, but he chucked it way downfield for me anyway. I sprinted all out, and at the back of the end zone, I dragged my toe as I caught the trailing edge of the disc and dove forward. I came up still holding the disc, grass-stained, grinning from ear to ear, serenaded by whoops and cheers from people on both teams, and relishing the freedom and power of a dedication to goodness.
I came up still holding the disc, grass-stained, grinning from ear to ear, and relishing the freedom and power of a dedication to goodness.
That experience was a cornerstone for my spiritual growth. Since then, my understanding and experience of God, good, and of how God causes us to be good and do good has certainly grown. Whenever I feel myself getting overly concerned about something like an academic task, athletic competition, or musical performance, I check my priorities and focus. Am I focused on myself or others’ assessments? Or am I seeking, acknowledging, and glorifying God? It is always God who enables us to express and grow our talents and shine with freedom and confidence, because we reflect God’s goodness, which is a constant.
As explained by the Discoverer of Christian Science, Mary Baker Eddy, this is a Bible-based, scientific, practical fact that is true and demonstrable for each of us—whether we’re on the playing field or anywhere else.
