For many years I was a prisoner of fear. My parents were loving and supportive, but because I felt my fears were irrational and wondered if I might be mentally ill, I mostly kept them to myself. But I did confide in Christian Science practitioners along the way. 

Having been raised in Christian Science, I had been taught that God is Love and that He is our divine Parent and tender Shepherd. During this time, I would often pray with my favorite promise from the Bible: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10, New Living Translation). With this reassuring Bible verse and the prayers of the practitioners I reached out to at various times, I had the strength to move forward. 

My journey to healing through prayer was rewarding, even though it felt arduous. I instinctively knew that addressing this challenge was an opportunity to love God more and grow into greater confidence in His presence and power. I was familiar with this passage in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures: “Whoever would demonstrate the healing of Christian Science must abide strictly by its rules, heed every statement, and advance from the rudiments laid down. There is nothing difficult nor toilsome in this task, when the way is pointed out; but self-denial, sincerity, Christianity, and persistence alone win the prize, as they usually do in every department of life” (Mary Baker Eddy, p. 462). 

The bouts of fear would sometimes end in unconsciousness, and I became worried about leaving my home. There were times when the thought would come to me to take my own life. But because I had been taught that God is the only Life and that He made each of us in His image and likeness, I was able to dismiss that suggestion as ridiculous. I clung to Bible verses such as, “The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust” (Psalms 18:2), and “The Lord will bless his people with peace” (Psalms 29:11). 

To better learn how to pray and spiritualize my thought, I felt divinely led to take Christian Science class instruction—a 12-day course on spiritual healing. As I kept turning my thought away from the darkness of fear and toward the light of Truth and Love—God—I was rewarded with other healings, including the rapid disappearance of welts covering my skin and an immediate recovery from virulent flu symptoms. These healings encouraged me to keep learning more about God and His perfect creation through my study and practice of Christian Science.

When my marriage ended in divorce, I felt abandoned and angry. Although I was tempted to panic, as being alone was my biggest fear, I had been growing steadily in my understanding of God’s grace. I was accepting more responsibility in my branch Church of Christ, Scientist, responding affirmatively to each progressive call of God to serve Him. 

While serving on my church board, I was elected president. That night I sat up in bed, feeling afraid. I asked God to relieve me of the responsibility. But then I humbly surrendered to His will, knowing that church activity was God’s work, not mine. I could trust Him to guide me. On the same night, I felt a deep love and compassion for my former husband and was healed of all anger toward him. 

From that moment on, I hardly noticed the fears dropping away. I was able to conduct membership meetings with a calmness that was new to me, and I went on to fulfill a multi-year term as First Reader of that church. Each step forward prepared me for the next. And gradually I came to realize that “thy Maker is thine husband” (Isaiah 54:5), so I was never truly alone.

One day, while driving for over five hours on a trip to the mountains, I realized that I had not been fearful at all. Before this, I was often unable to drive alone more than half an hour from home without having a full-blown panic attack. But on this day I was peaceful. As I reached the crest of a mountain, I caught sight of a prominent peak with a beautiful lake below. With tears of gratitude running down my cheeks, I thanked God for His infinite beauty. And in that instant, I inwardly heard these words: “You have reached the summit.” I knew I was fully healed. 

I have been free of panic attacks for over twenty years and have hiked to many peaks for a bird’s-eye view that I can now appreciate from a more spiritual perspective. 

Over many years, I have grown to understand this encouraging Bible verse: “God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him” (Philippians 2:13, NLT). I’ve learned that God is always the one doing His work, as God’s child simply reflects what God is doing. Jesus said, “I can of mine own self do nothing” (John 5:30). The master Christian came to show us the way to Truth, God, who sets us free. 

Susan Bonner
Reno, Nevada, US