Without hurt

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Have you said those words to a friend or family member, regretting something you said or did? Perhaps you offended them when you didn’t intend to; or maybe you were wronged and wanted an apology. Most of us have experienced and been troubled by these situations, which often occur in the minutiae of the day-to-day as the result of haste, carelessness, or ignorance.

How do we right such wrongs? How can we make sure hurtful behavior isn’t repeated? How can we be sure we’re not the source of hurt to another? 

The 19th-century American philosopher and essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” I’ve found that I’m a better friend when, rather than simply not meaning to hurt others, I actually mean not to hurt—that is, when I am purposeful about being a good friend; being patient, kind, and loving, and doing good deeds.

Love is not accidental. To intend not to hurt, we must start with a pure motive, an appreciation of the natural brother- and sisterhood of all men, women, and children. This attitude is a basic tenet of Christ Jesus’ words and works. In what is often referred to as the Golden Rule, Jesus taught, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12, New International Version).

The individual who struggles to do good and be good without employing spiritual power will likely find his efforts wanting. God is good itself, and all good is from God. Therefore, in order to do and be good to ourselves and others, we need to start with God.

In Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, Mary Baker Eddy defines I am as “God; incorporeal and eternal Mind; divine Principle; the only Ego” (p. 588 ). The way to witness in our own experience this power of God, Ego, divine Love, is through correct self-identification. We start by honoring one God as the universal power, as Life itself; and we refuse to accept any identity, selfhood, being, intelligence, or power except that which is in or of God. Man is created by divine Love, as the image of Love, and so must be like God (see Genesis 1:26, 27 ).

We can reject selfishness, impatience, anger, and stubborn will whenever they appear in our thinking, since those characteristics aren’t a part of our makeup as Love’s image. And we can refuse to justify any misguided actions with excuses. Instead, we can seek to reflect the gentle touch of divine Love in our motives and our actions. Loving behavior is the natural outcome when we are concerned with doing what is right as measured by God. When God motivates our thoughts, energies, and desires, right must be the result—and it is impossible to harm ourselves or others. That is how we change from “I didn’t mean to hurt” to “I mean not to hurt” and demonstrate sincere brotherly care, patience, and honest affection for others.

Yet, what if we have wronged another in spite of sincere motives? It is through the Christ, God’s message to humanity revealed in Christian Science, that we can experience the touch of divine Love that heals in every situation.

The individual who struggles to do good and be good without employing spiritual power will likely find his efforts wanting.

These ideas were helpful during a time in college when I found myself embroiled in a tiff with two friends. We were on a road trip when both of them took sides against me for what I thought was no cause. The cold silence was deafening as I mentally struggled through feelings of hurt, then taking offense, and finally, self-justification for being wrongly accused. But I soon realized that for all the mental clamor, things were not better and I wasn’t any happier. My friends fell asleep while I drove. As I reached out to God in prayer, I realized I shouldn’t be dwelling on the accusations and my reaction to them. Instead, I now felt the imperative, “What does God require of me?”

In a poem titled “Love,” Mrs. Eddy implores us to share the spirit of Jesus, who “loved and healed mankind” (Poems, p. 6 ). The magnanimity of Jesus’ love was shown in the garden of Gethsemane, when Malchus and other officers of the high priest, Caiaphas, came to arrest
Jesus. His disciple, Peter, cut off Malchus’ ear with his sword in protest of the unjust charges against Jesus. Yet Jesus, despite knowing that he would be wrongly jailed and later crucified, restored the ear and rebuked Peter’s actions (see Luke 22:47–51 , John 18:10, 11 ). Jesus loved his disciples and his accusers alike, and the divine Love that he exemplified not only healed Malchus’ ear, but ultimately delivered Jesus from death and the grave.

As I thought about Jesus’ example, it occurred to me that God’s demand is that I love—period. And I cared more about loving to meet this demand than I did about convincing my friends that I had been falsely accused. I felt the presence of divine Love wash over me as I considered the words of a hymn:

My thought rose above the stress of personalities to acknowledge the presence of only one God, who is supreme, infinite good. When my friends awoke, with heartfelt sincerity I apologized for hurting them. And they did the same. We completed our trip in joyful friendship.

While I’m grateful for the immediate remedy of answered prayer, I can also look back and see that that experience was foundational to my moral and spiritual progress. Many times since, in family, business, and church situations, I’ve sought to “love and heal” rather than assert a personal sense of being right, and through God’s grace good results have followed.

There is no mystery to living without hurting others. But it requires a consecrated desire to love intentionally, rather than just to hope not to hurt. Such thought is imbued with the Christly touch of divine Love, and will inevitably result in good to ourselves and others.