Rescued from dark thoughts

WHEN I WAS 14, I LAPSED INTO A DEPRESSION that went on for a number of months. During that time, I often had thoughts of suicide. I'd been dealing with mood swings, anger, sleepless nights, and fights with my family. It seemed like there had been a growing gap between God and myself. But these difficult months felt even more severe. I was beginning to physically harm myself. I'd even cut myself on purpose a few times.

My parents were supportive throughout this time, talking to me, praying about my well-being, and even suggesting I talk to a Christian Science practitioner. But I also kept a lot of what I was feeling to myself. I wouldn't agree to seek help, even though my parents persisted in encouraging me, because I felt vulnerable. I would go in and out of stages, sometimes believing myself cured, sometimes actually enjoying depression. Against parent's rules, I would leave the house to go on walks late at night, hoping to get hurt.

It was around this time that I had a bad argument with a family member, and, through tears, the thought of suicide came so strongly that it shocked me. I began wondering how I'd allowed my thought to plummet so far. As someone who was raised in Christian Science, I always felt like I had a good understanding of it, but I realized I needed to take another, much deeper look.