PARENTING September 4, 2006 Issue

STEPPARENTING 101

WELLS SAMPSON

RECENTLY, my wife and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. The day I married the "woman of my dreams" was also the day I became a stepparent of two lovely girls, ages five and seven. I thought my previous six years of experience as an uncle to my siblings' children had prepared me well, but I soon found out that stepparenting was much more challenging.

For example, early on, every time one of the girls would say, "You're not my real dad," I was devastated.

So, looking to understand better the stepparenting issues I was dealing with, I decided to buy a book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting (Ericka Lutz, New York, Alpha Books, Prentice Hall, MacMillan Publishing, 1998). The first chapter talked about "myths" and "realities" of stepparenting, and gave some advice on expectations of love in blended families. It stated that although the big expectation is that stepkids and stepparents will love each other, "Love is not a requirement. The kids do not have to love you, and you do not have to love the kids. ..." And the book went on to recommend: "Redefine your expectations and lower your goals."