Article February 3, 2003 Issue

How do I begin to forgive?

By Mark Swinney

MAYBE PEOPLE HAVE DONE THINGS TO YOU that you feel are unforgivable. And maybe you've been told to "forgive and forget," or that "it's never good to hold a grudge." Well, those approaches may be fine... in theory. But how do you even begin to forgive someone's thoughtless, destructive, vicious, or even abusive behavior? Should people who do such things be forgiven? Do you really have to forgive them? And if you do forgive, does that legitimize similar acts in the future?

Those are all fair questions. But there's a side to forgiveness that can be very healing. It begins with what may seem pretty hard—making an effort to separate the offensive behavior from the person who has committed the offense. But it is possible, because a person and evil are two separate things. And that's what makes this kind of forgiveness happen. No individual, no matter who he or she is, would even exist unless he or she was God's creation. And God is good. He doesn't include any evil or destructiveness. Since like produces like—since the divine creator produces a creation in and of Himself—everyone is truly good. Obviously, bad behavior can obscure someone's God-created goodness. But that doesn't mean that spiritual goodness is not there.

And with prayer, you can learn to separate the person who is God's creation from his or her terrible acts and behavior. When you recognize that your enemy actually is a selfish, destructive act—not a person—things can change. In the light of God's bright goodness and impartial love, destructive behavior becomes increasingly powerless to harm you in any way. Once you understand this, you are on the road to healing and putting an end to those acts.

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