Who couldn't use more light, more clarity in a time of questioning? And if we are in the middle of our own search for light, it sometimes helps to hear the experiences of others who are finding "there ariseth light in the darkness," as the Psalmist describes it. This column records some experiences that may be useful to those who are looking for new answers. The accounts are anonymous in order to give authors the opportunity to talk freely about earlier lifestyles and attitudes that may have been considerably different from what they now value. Of necessity, the recounting of experiences is telescoped in its time frame, and these narratives do not attempt to tell a complete story. But they do show something of the wide range of seekers and the way in which the light of Christ, Truth, restores, redirects, and regenerates lives.

My account is not that of a single dramatic healing. It is more in the nature of relating a spiritual odyssey that began, as many do, with a desire for physical healing. And it is not intended as an "I've-come-a-long-way, baby!" piece. Rather it is written in gratitude for others—fellow voyagers, who, by sharing their experiences in the Christian Science periodicals, have provided constant encouragement to me over the past nine years. It is also written in hope that others who are taking their first steps toward a better understanding of the Christ—steps so often prompted by physical or emotional distress—may find similar encouragement from my experiences.

In November 1982 I was depressed about a physical problem with my leg and hip. I had tried a total of four orthopedic physicians from two cities, two sports medicine clinics, had a CAT scan on my back, tried transcendental meditation—all without relief. In addition, my marriage—a second one for both my wife and me—needed healing as well.

I woke one morning with a thought that had come to me in a dream: "Why don't you go see a Christian Science practitioner?" My initial reaction was, "That's a crazy idea. I don't even know one or what they do." I ignored the idea for several weeks, but the thought persisted. I finally figured that since I had tried everything else, I had nothing to lose by following up.

I didn't know how to find a practitioner, so I looked up the nearest Christian Science Reading Room in the telephone book. When I called, I was given several names of practitioners. I selected one, called, and made an appointment.

The practitioner talked with me and suggested I read the first chapter, "Prayer," and the last chapter, "Fruitage," in the Christian Science textbook, Science and Health with key to the Scriptures by Mrs. Eddy. The practitioner agreed to pray for me.

The encounter left me feeling a bit odd. I was looking for physical comfort, not "religion"! And despite the title of the book, it all appeared very "unscientific" to me from my perspective as a Phi Beta Kappa, graduate of an Ivy League law school, and member of another Protestant church.

I did, however, begin reading. I read not only the first and last chapters but the entire book—not once but eventually three times. It did not make a lot of sense to me at first, but for some reason I persisted. I began being a "closet" student of Christian Science. I attended the Wednesday night meetings at the local Church of Christ, Scientist. The practitioner sent me a notice of a lecture, and I went.

I began to talk with others in the church, and I subscribed to The Christian Science Monitor, the Sentinel, and The Christian Science Journal. I heard about the weekly Bible Lesson in the Christian Science Quarterly and started getting up at five thirty each morning to read it. So my teachers were the periodicals, the Bible Lessons, and those kind persons in church who were willing to share their experiences in the testimony meetings and in conversation.

My hip and leg got better and I resumed running. Eventually I ran an eleven-mile race over a challenging course. I recall working with that portion of Psalm 121 which I refer to as my "traveling psalm." It reads, "The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."

Sometime within the first year of study I stopped social drinking. Drinking was one of those "lifetime sports" that I had picked up in my college years. As a member of the bar (pun intended), drinking had been a part of my social scene for many years. I'm sure there are lawyers who do not drink, but I confess I did not know any. I began to be embarrassed initially when at parties, for some reason, I did not want a drink. Indeed, where I had previously enjoyed a glass of beer or wine, I now found the taste not at all to my liking.

I had other healings. For example, on one occasion I had a bad fall while cross-country skiing. When I sat down to read the Bible Lesson early Monday morning before work, I could hardly turn my neck, and my left shoulder was equally stiff and painful. I wasn't thinking about the matter at all as I got into the lesson and was reading one of the Bible passages to the effect that "The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me." At that point something clicked audibly in my neck, my shoulder dropped down to its normal position, and all pain was gone. It was my first instantaneous healing and has been special for me.

Another time my teenage stepson got his hand caught in the sliding door of a van. He could not remove his hand until the door was unlatched. He said that he did not want to go the doctor but that I could pray about the situation. The following day he was playing basketball and showed his mother his hands and asked her to guess which one had been caught in the door because there was not a mark on the hand and no discoloration.

During this time my efforts at study were not always well received by others. My secretary at the time viewed Christian Science as a "cult religion" and even had her minister come to try to dissuade me from my study. My wife was naturally glad for any character improvement in me, but she did not have positive views of Christian Science. Thus her attitude was that it was OK if I wanted to read what she sometimes referred to as "that stuff," but she was not prepared to join me.

One thing that I had to abandon along the way was the notion that others must believe as I do. In this regard I wanted very much to share with my wife and have her join me in the journey of spiritual discovery, in growing reliance upon God for healing; I wanted her to experience the joy of the Christ. I found myself waiting for her. But I read the passage "Wait thou only upon God" in Psalm 62 and realized that each of us is making his or her own journey. Spiritual growth is a continuous process of coming out from the world and being separate, to paraphrase the Bible, for it is not always a popular thing to be a Christian in any age. And spiritual growth can lead to increased harmony in the home and among individual family members, whether or not they are all of the same faith.

There were many stages that I went through and much warfare with myself; layer after layer of false beliefs and wrong motives needed to be removed. There is an old saying, "An excuse is a lie stuffed in the skin of a reason." I had to do away with many excuses or lies that stood in the way of my getting closer to Christ. If Peter denied Christ three times, well, I had lost count of my own tally.

The Bible Lessons were and are especially meaningful. The Bible has become the grandest book for me. I fought and still fight to overcome a merely intellectual understanding of Christian Science as opposed to spiritual knowledge or understanding. I have lost much pride and still have a way to go in that department. I began to see how much manipulation had played a part in my life because of a sense of lack—a sense of insufficiency, of being estranged from God, good.

I have wrestled with notions of poor self-worth. For some reason I believed I was unworthy of love or affection, that it was for some and not for others, that God, or Love, was other than universal and impartial. Yet, slowly, the lessons took hold, and I have been shown something of the impartiality of divine Love.

I grow more readily when I face up to my fears and allow them to be destroyed by a greater spiritual understanding, which sometimes begins as a glint of hope. This facing up to fears involves a radical reliance upon God, or Spirit, even in the most trying of circumstances. It requires a willingness to abandon the most paralyzing of human fears—a belief of life in matter or, worse yet, life without God. It requires striving "to know no other reality—to have no other consciousness of life—than good, God and His reflection, and to rise superior to the so-called pain and pleasure of the senses," as Mrs. Eddy states in Science and Health. It requires a consummate desire for what St. Paul calls "the mind of Christ"—an acknowledgment, in the heart, of the allness of God, Truth.

I have had to learn lessons that I am not a personal creator, controller, or producer, that I am not "self-made" or "my own man." I have learned I never possess anything except by reflection of the good that God has bestowed on us. After I was divorced from my first wife, I missed my children a great deal. But through Christian Science I have learned that they are actually God's children. I have worked diligently to maintain a good relationship with them, love them dearly, and have been blessed as a result.

I have fought many battles with reluctance to forgive others and myself. On one occasion, after praying simply for Christ to lift the burden and take away the angry feelings, I burst out laughing. The thought came that I did not have to forgive because for me as a child of God, knowing and reflecting only divine Love and seeing only good, there was in reality nothing to forgive; there was no alternative to Love and loving.

I can't say that I have resolved everything. Or that I never have any pains or challenges. So why am I writing at this point? If I waited to write until the last chapter is written, you would never hear from me! I am writing now to celebrate all the good that has come and keeps coming my way from One who "daily loadeth us with benefits."