Do I stay or do I move?

Have you ever felt the urge to pack up and move to a new place, but weren’t sure if it was the right thing to do?

I have, more than I’d like to admit. Twice I did move—with no planning—all the way across the United States. Once was when a job didn’t pan out. The other was when my boyfriend broke up with me.

But the novelty and wonder of making a new beginning on the West Coast wore off pretty quickly. A year after getting settled in the Bay Area of California, the second time, I began to relive the anger and frustration that compelled me to move in the first place. I’d run away, feeling rejected, when my boyfriend “just wanted to be friends.” And now I still wasn’t dating anyone, hadn’t made substantial friendships and was told that my teaching contract would not be renewed.

One night, disheartened by loneliness, I knelt on the floor and sobbed. Surely God wanted more for me than this? But how would I figure out what that was, especially when I felt so discouraged and helpless?

I began to pray, in spite of what seemed like a voice inside my head insisting, “You don’t know how to pray effectively . . . this prayer is a waste of time . . . you’re not worth God’s help.” But something pulled at my heart and encouraged me to keep at it. To me, this was the Christ, or “the spiritual or true idea of God,” as Mary Baker Eddy defined it in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures.

Exploring that “true idea of God” kept me from throwing all my stuff into the car and hitting the road right then.

As I continued to pray into the night, yearning to know what God wanted for me, I recalled that Jesus told his disciples: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God.”

I thought, “That’s all fine and good, but how do I do that? How can I seek the kingdom of heaven if I don’t even know where it is?”

Then I recalled that Jesus also said, “The kingdom of God is within you.”

The trouble was that I was not feeling anything like God’s kingdom. All I felt within me was a bunch of pain and angst and the urge to fly the coop again.

So with all my might, I fought back against everything that argued my prayer was pointless or that I was worthless. I reached out again to God, yearning to know and tangibly feel His love. I knew that God’s love was accessible at every moment. I just needed to expect and trust this fact.

Gradually, I quieted the mental accusations that I was a failure, wasting my life. I prayed, using some simple truths I’d learned from studying the Bible and Science and Health.

“God, I know that You are right here and that nothing can separate me from Your love. I know that as Your child, I am Your idea, and I understand my purpose and will fulfill it because that purpose is to express Your love, purely, freely, unconditionally. And this gives me substantial worth and abundant companionship. Nothing can convince me otherwise. Not my will, but Thine, be done.”

I prayed this way for some time. Gradually, I gained more confidence and peace. The thoughts of “self” intruded less and less, and the desire to flee disappeared.

During the next few days, I was gentle with myself. Every time I felt worthless, I’d pause and refute this thought. In its place I would cling to the simple fact that I was precious in God’s eyes, that I did have talents that were worthy, that I was loved.

After a week or so, I noticed I wasn’t condemning myself anymore. The peace in my heart began to endure more than just a fleeting moment. And I knew my prayer was effective, because I could feel that I had been changed by it.

The journey to spiritual stillness was a holy time. It enabled me to resist the urge to run away to another town and start up again. Instead, I sought to defend my inner peace and to experience God’s love right there, nurturing each of my thoughts and guiding me each moment with what I needed to be doing or knowing.

It felt like a leap of faith, but instead of launching off that night into the darkness of some distant, unknown place, I chose to move mentally into trying to know God better, and to understand my relationship to Him. Not only did I not have to change locations to feel God’s presence, but also I could stick right there and expect my anxiety to be healed.

In time, I became more convinced I didn’t need to relocate. I simply needed to defend God’s purpose and love for me right where I was.

In the weeks that followed, I went on to find another teaching job. I also made some friends I still keep in touch with today. In fact, I ended up living in the Bay Area of California another five years and only relocated when a job offer brought me back East. That night I learned an invaluable lesson: often, the urge to move in order to escape a painful situation masks an inner yearning to know more of God’s control in one's life. Allowing myself to feel His love and respond to its directives continues to be the impulse that moves me these days.

At home in the kingdom of God:

Science and Health
347:14-17

King James Bible
Matt. 6:33  
Luke 17:21