Don’t let it harden your heart

I cherish my alone time with God each day. I look forward to digging into the scientific truths that are uncovered during my study of the Bible and the Christian Science textbook, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy. I’ve always found such comfort during my study—even as a child. I remember my parents handing me copies of the Sentinel to keep by my bed so I could read testimonies from other kids who relied on prayer for healing. I loved reading those—they assured me that my daily reliance on God and prayer was not only normal, but effective! Never could I have imagined a time when I would feel that all was lost, when I wouldn’t want to reach out for those comforting truths.

However, not long ago both of my parents passed away, rather suddenly and only a few months apart. I felt completely gutted. I was unprepared to handle what seemed like such a monumental loss. Rather than turn to the Bible and Science and Health for comfort, I found myself pushing them away. I didn’t want anything to do with God. I felt betrayed by everything I’d ever known. It was very lonely and disorienting.

My sweet friends who are also Christian Scientists tried to reassure me that I would find comfort again—that, in reality, nothing had ever actually changed for me or for my parents, as our spiritual identities are always safe and secure in God. While I appreciated their outpouring of love, I wasn’t ready to hear it or believe it. My grief was following me around like a big dark cloud, and my anger and self-justification challenged my friends’ attempts to express love and compassion. Without realizing it, I was isolating myself from what I needed most. This went on for nearly a year.