Article May 16, 2005 Issue

NOW MY HEART SINGS

Kathy d'Andrea

MY FATHER WAS A MINISTER IN A FUNDAMENTALIST RELIGION, AND I REMEMBER having nightmares when I was seven years old about going to hell. As I grew up, I studied and prayed very hard not to go there, but I was very afraid that God would see something about me that I didn't know about and refuse me heaven.

All the way through university, I was desperately searching for God. One might think that my search would have been easy, since I only went to the schools run by my religion.

At my university, a Bible professor became sick with a fatal disease. He was a favorite of the students—such a wonderful man. We all prayed through the night, asking God for a miracle. But none came. I was absolutely devastated. Why wouldn't God heal him? I felt totally let down by God. I wasn't angry at Him, just crushed at not knowing why sometimes He did miracles and sometimes He didn't. It was all just a chance, I thought, but mainly it was probably because I just didn't have enough faith or something. But I didn't know how to get faith.

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