Article May 16, 2005 Issue

NOW MY HEART SINGS

Kathy d'Andrea

MY FATHER WAS A MINISTER IN A FUNDAMENTALIST RELIGION, AND I REMEMBER having nightmares when I was seven years old about going to hell. As I grew up, I studied and prayed very hard not to go there, but I was very afraid that God would see something about me that I didn't know about and refuse me heaven.

All the way through university, I was desperately searching for God. One might think that my search would have been easy, since I only went to the schools run by my religion.

At my university, a Bible professor became sick with a fatal disease. He was a favorite of the students—such a wonderful man. We all prayed through the night, asking God for a miracle. But none came. I was absolutely devastated. Why wouldn't God heal him? I felt totally let down by God. I wasn't angry at Him, just crushed at not knowing why sometimes He did miracles and sometimes He didn't. It was all just a chance, I thought, but mainly it was probably because I just didn't have enough faith or something. But I didn't know how to get faith.

About the author

Kathy d' Andrea spends her time doing office work for her husband, who composes music for film and television. They live in Newbury Park, California.

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