The lyrics from a popular song that described God as watching over us—but from a distance—played on repeat in my head as I recovered from a difficult childbirth. I had spent several days in the hospital surrounded by kind nurses and doctors, but they were focused solely on my body and its improvement. God, Spirit, and His love for me felt very far away.

Once I was back home, my prayers continued to come up empty. I struggled against disappointment about how differently the birth had gone from what I had expected, and now the recovery felt overwhelming. I would silence those thoughts and open my heart to God’s messages, yearning to hear His guidance and feel His love. Before the birth, I could pray and immediately feel God’s loving presence neutralizing any fear and filling my heart with peace. But at this moment, I felt nothing. 

God’s power and love fill all space, even though the physical senses have no ability to recognize either. 

During my years of studying Christian Science, I had learned that the belief that existence is material—including the feeling that God is far off—isn’t true, because it isn’t sourced in divine Truth. Truth sets us free, Christ Jesus tells us in the Bible. Being in bondage to emotional numbness certainly wasn’t freeing; it was not of Truth, God. 

The opposite of the material sense that produces this numbness is God-originated spiritual sense, which is native to all of His creation. The textbook on the laws of God that govern His creation, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy, explains it this way: “Spiritual sense, contradicting the material senses, involves intuition, hope, faith, understanding, fruition, reality” (p. 298).

In the past, I hadn’t given much thought to hope and faith. They seemed weak and less effective compared to understanding, fruition, and reality. But now I recognized that having hope that God hadn’t forgotten me, despite my not feeling His love, was evidence that spiritual sense was still present and at work in my thought.

Hope and faith showed up in the form of the persistence to continue praying and to keep studying the Bible and Science and Health. One element of that study was reading the weekly Bible Lesson outlined in the Christian Science Quarterly. These Lessons, studied daily by students of Christian Science all over the world, include citations relevant to the week’s topic. I would think deeply about the ideas I read, and although they didn’t seem to reach my heart, I kept up this consistent study. 

Reading the Bible on its own also nurtured my hope and faith. Several verses from the book of Psalms resonated with me, including this one: “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever” (73:26). Reading the thoughts of people in the Bible—those who had struggled and found strength in God—encouraged me to continue filling my consciousness with what I knew about God’s goodness and care.

During this time, I sometimes felt inauthentic. While I read about divine Truth and tried to pray, I didn’t feel it or—at the lowest times—believe it. A friend encouraged me to keep it simple—to hold on to simple truths rather than doing complicated analyses. This gave me moments, though fleeting, when I could feel God’s presence. I knew that being persistent was vital. God’s goodness hadn’t ceased reaching me. I saw it in being cared for by loving people, in feeling guided at each decision point, and in being able to go home with a beautiful, healthy baby. I wouldn’t give up on God.

I continually refuted the notion that God was at a distance. God, Spirit, is ever present with each one of us. There are no empty places, and there is nothing outside of infinite, divine Love. God’s power and love fill all space, even though the physical senses and human emotions have no ability to recognize either. I knew that hope and faith were proof of God’s immediate, active presence in my life.

I had more moments of being able to pray for our baby and feel pure spiritual love for her.

Gradually, I felt Spirit break through the numbness. Along with the ability to feel God’s love again came more mental dominion in dealing with the plethora of challenges involved in newborn care. I had more moments of being able to pray for our baby and feel pure spiritual love for her rather than the anxiety I had been experiencing. Inspired ideas about how to meet the baby’s needs flowed more easily and naturally into my days.

The mental numbness following our baby’s birth never returned. And a few years later, the freedom of feeling God’s love resulted in an openness to expanding our family once again that was undiminished by the previous experience. Recently, we joyfully welcomed a healthy baby boy.

When we’re feeling distant from God, the mental chatter can be aggressive and demoralizing. But it never changes the truth that God is here, right now, pouring love into our hearts. We are created to feel this love and have it move us forward. No amount of apathy, doubt, or fear separates us from the continuous, all-powerful, divine affection. God gives us spiritual sense, and this sense points the way to the realization of our complete freedom and joy.