I found my joy again

Sometimes we are faced with relationship difficulties that challenge us to find out who we are. I had just such an opportunity several years ago. After 15 years of marriage, my husband informed me that he no longer loved me. I hadn’t been aware of his attraction to a younger woman at his workplace. Although it did not appear she had an interest in him, my husband and I decided that he should move out. He rented an apartment to be on his own.

At first I was very angry. I felt deceived, unappreciated, and, worse, unwanted. I struggled with thoughts about not being attractive enough, not being young anymore, not being a good partner or a nice person, and so on. I usually see myself as quite confident and secure, but I felt far removed from that way of thinking at this time in my life. 

Over the course of several weeks, I decided to make some changes. So I made an appointment for a makeover session, lost weight, bought new clothes, and picked out new frames for my glasses. But none of that brought back my joy.   

I soon decided I needed to “wake up.” Anger, self-pity, and insecurity were not conducive to finding a sense of peace and comfort—and I knew that was what I really needed.  

Sometime before this experience I’d read an article in the Sentinel, where the writer had shared the practice of looking for “love letters” in the weekly Christian Science Bible Lesson. Those “love letters,” words of comfort and peace about my relationship with a loving God, were just what I was looking for. 

Anger, self-pity, and insecurity were not conducive to finding a sense of peace and comfort—and I knew that was what I really needed.

Each day as I studied the Bible Lesson from the Bible and Mary Baker Eddy’s Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, I searched for those love letters. I found passages like this one from the prophet Jeremiah: “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jeremiah 31:3 ). And these from Isaiah: “Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.… Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee” (Isaiah 43:1, 4 ). As the days went on, I realized that God’s loving messages were all around and I could receive them anywhere, at any time, if I listened for them.

At that time a catchy jingle was frequently played on the radio to encourage men and women to join the US Army. It started with, “Be all that you can be.” I suddenly realized part of that jingle was a lot like those love letters I’d been studying. Yes, I needed to be all that I could be. I couldn’t be someone else. I couldn’t aim to please another person by merely changing my looks or personality. I needed to rejoice in being the unique expression that God made me to be. 

This thought was so freeing! My joy, peace, and confidence started to return. The idea that I was God’s unique, beloved child allowed me to begin to move forward, forgive, and eventually overcome the resentment I had felt. About a month and a half after my husband had moved out, he called me and asked if we might be reunited. We didn’t have a long conversation right then, but we decided to get back together and are still in a loving relationship today—as of this summer, we will have been married almost 50 years. We’ve grown and learned a lot about each other in that time, and I feel so free from old feelings of doubt and resentment. This experience helped me see just how close God’s love is in trying times.