Article March 10, 2008 Issue

SEEING THE REAL ME

NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST

DURING my sophomore year at New York University, my life seemed to be brimming with hope and opportunities. I was studying Italian, riding a bicycle from my family's apartment to classes, exploring markets, churches, museums, and shops. I was glimpsing life as a young adult, making choices on my own. A relationship with a new boyfriend added to my feeling that a new chapter of life was beginning.

But overshadowing that time was my struggle with anorexia and bulimia. These problems felt enormous, burdensome, and dark. Society views eating disorders as having deep psychological roots, especially in girls and young women. Issues such as perfectionism, control, pressure, and depression are often brought to the table.

But during college, I was unaware of those associations, and didn't see myself as having any kind of problem that had a mental component. I just felt lost, and I had difficulty focusing on all the good in my life. As months went by, I'd casually fallen into obsessively controlling what I ate, and the subtle attraction to a slimmer me kept creeping into my thinking, unchecked. Those habits soon escalated into aggressive, self-destructive behavior.

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