Article February 10, 1997 Issue

Words that hurt, words that heal

by Kim Shippey

Joseph Telushkin, who serves as rabbi of the Synagogue of the Performing Arts in Los Angeles, last year published a book titled Words that Hurt, Words that Heal: How to Choose Words Wisely and Well (New York: William Morrow, 1996). The book reminds us that the Golden Rule should apply not just to how we act toward others but how we speak about them. Rabbi Telushkin elaborated on this theme at a Center for Constructive Alternatives seminar at Hillsdale College, Michigan. Here are excerpts from his presentation:^{ Used with the permission of IMPRIMIS, the monthly journal of Hillsdale College .}

"An old Jewish saying compares the tongue to an arrow," said Rabbi Telushkin. "'Why not another weapon—a sword, for example?' one might well ask. Because, according to the saying, if a man unsheathes his sword to kill his friend, and his friend begs for mercy, the man may be mollified and return the sword to its scabbard. But an arrow, once it is shot, cannot be returned.

"Words, quite simply, are very powerful," said Rabbi Telushkin. "They are powerful enough to lead to love, but they can also lead to hatred and terrible pain. We must be extremely careful how we use them. Negative comments we make about absent companions are but one way we wound with words; we also often cruelly hurt those to whom we are speaking. For example, many of us, when enraged, grossly exaggerate the wrong done by the person who has provoked our ire. If the anger expressed is disproportionate to the provocation (as often occurs when parents rage at children), it is unfair, often inflicts great hurt and damage, and is unethical.

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