Learning that I want to forgive
For a long time , I didn’t believe in forgiveness. In fact, if I believed someone had wronged me, I felt entitled to hold a grudge until I was ready to move past it. And that didn’t mean forgiveness; it meant that I was angry until I didn’t feel like being angry anymore. Then, about two years ago, something changed.
During my senior year of high school, I couldn’t wait to go to senior prom. One of my friends asked if we could go together, since neither of us had a date, and I accepted.
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As prom approached, though, my friend seemed less excited. When we talked about it, she told me that she didn’t want to go to prom anymore because she had other things she needed to focus on. I was disappointed, but I understood.
I felt entitled to hold a grudge until I was ready to move past it.
I decided that I would go to prom with other friends, and I was looking forward to it. But when I bought my ticket, the woman handling the tickets revealed that my friend was going to prom with another person. I was crushed, but more than anything, I couldn’t believe that she’d lied to me. I was so angry.
Prom was a lot of fun, but in the months that followed, I felt waves of resentment toward my friend. I talked with her about it, and she apologized. But she wouldn’t admit that she’d lied to me, and I couldn’t get past all the details indicating that she had. Every time I thought I was getting over the situation, the anger would resurface. What felt like a betrayal was weighing on me.
One night, I broke down in tears. I realized that this anger wasn’t going to just go away on its own and that I had to deal with it. I’d been raised in Christian Science Sunday School, so I knew that turning to God could at least bring me comfort. But for a long time, I’d thought that I could turn to God only for certain problems—like some things weren’t worth praying about because God had bigger fish to fry.
That night, I read from some of the writings of the Discoverer of Christian Science, Mary Baker Eddy, which helped comfort me. These were the two simple but powerful ideas that stood out to me: “Truth is God’s remedy for error of every kind, and Truth destroys only what is untrue” (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, pp. 142–143), and, “In divine Science, God is recognized as the only power, presence, and glory” (No and Yes, p. 20).
This helped me understand that Truth, God, is the remedy for every kind of problem, not just big problems or illness. I thought a lot about these ideas and worked on trying to forgive.
As I wrestled with forgiving my friend, I remembered that, as God’s creation, we all start from a place of perfection. The Bible tells us in the first chapter of Genesis that we are created perfectly—in God’s image and likeness. We are infinitely loving and pure, just as God made us. Those qualities are indestructible. I knew this was true about both my friend and me, and as I accepted that this was who my friend really was, I felt more peaceful about the situation.
Now I view forgiveness differently. I see it as understanding that wrongdoing is no part of God or His creation, so it’s not the reality of anyone’s being. This doesn’t excuse someone’s actions, but it can help us see people for who they are spiritually and be free of resentment or sadness.
When I finally recognized that this person was a perfect child of God and therefore could not hurt me, I could forgive her, and I was free.
My full freedom from resenting my friend came when we sang the hymn titled “Mother’s Evening Prayer” in church one night. I’ve been hearing this hymn from the Christian Science Hymnal my entire life, but in that moment, these words stood out to me:
O make me glad for every scalding tear,
For hope deferred, ingratitude, disdain!
Wait, and love more for every hate, and fear
No ill,—since God is good, and loss is gain.
(Mary Baker Eddy, Poems, p. 4)
The concept of waiting and loving more “for every hate” resonated deeply with me. Sometimes it’s so easy to feel consumed by emotions like anger or sadness. It can feel gratifying to hold a grudge against someone who has hurt you. In the situation with my friend, I was carrying that resentment around with me, and although it initially felt easier to do that, it was a terrible way to feel all the time. Being unable to forgive was weighing me down.
But knowing that in reality, God created all of His children to love—to be incapable of harming or injuring another—is freeing. When I finally recognized that this person was a perfect child of God and therefore could not hurt me, I could forgive her, and I was free. I realized that waiting and loving more was how I wanted to move forward.
I am so grateful to God for my newfound understanding of forgiveness.