Those petty squabbles: ‘What’s the point?’
Sitting around a table on a Sunday morning, just wanting to hear what the kids in Sunday School were thinking about, I asked Jake, a teen with a new driver’s license, “Do you know someone who is sure of their purpose in life?”
His answer was immediate. He went on to tell me how much he admires his grandfather: “He’s a retired policeman who always has a smile no matter what he does, especially in helping my grandma and loving our family and my sister and I a lot. And he lets me drive his vintage Mustang!” (True love, I thought!)
“Maybe part of his reason for smiling is that you bring joy to him?” I asked. Jake agreed. He explained that he and his sister, five years older and in college, used to get into arguments. But they made a decision not to. When I asked why they’d made that decision, he looked kind of surprised and responded matter-of-factly, “Because arguing hurts people,” and then quietly added the zinger, “So what’s the point?”
A simple conversation, but it meant so much to me.
Sure, there are times when we struggle sincerely and mightily to repair a difficult relationship, and we may even need to have some tough conversations with a loved one, and disagreements happen. But when it comes to the pettier brand of squabbles and tangles of self-justification, I appreciated what Jake said.
I went away that day, and for a couple of weeks after, checking my own thought to see if there was any strain about any relationship, anything that would tempt me to lean on willfulness or ego, and I’d ask myself, “What’s the point?” “What does this accomplish?” “What good is it attempting to prevent?”
Searching my thought, I purposely worked to show respect anywhere it was needed, and I really prayed to make a conscious effort to eliminate wrongful, petty perceptions and opinions. The effect was that it turned my thought away from personal positions and justifications. I saw how profoundly constructive it is to want to let go of these old ways and change the view, to be willing to improve the way I think about anyone or anything. In simple terms, it’s worth it.
I prayed earnestly for the humility to let go of any feeling of justification.
It was a modern moment that finds its basis in timeless instruction—Jesus’ words to his disciples: the Sermon on the Mount (see Matthew, chaps. 5—7). Very direct instruction. Jesus explained clearly: “Suppose you are offering your gift at the altar. And you remember that your brother has something against you. Leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and make peace with your brother. Then come back and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23, 24, New International Reader’s Version).
Soon after that Sunday School class and my lesson about what teachers get taught in Sunday School, I was able to put it into even more direct practice. There had been a deep misunderstanding with someone I love dearly. I didn’t see a resolution to an unfortunate conversation and went away feeling hurt; I realized that individual felt hurt as well. What to do?
Consciously asking myself, “What’s the point?” in allowing the misunderstanding to fracture a dear relationship, I earnestly prayed for the humility to let go of any feeling of self-justification. Sincerely releasing any preconceived notions of how this could be resolved and listening for that guidance I so trust, of divine Love’s powerful everywhere presence, I listened and expected guidance and direction as to steps I might take.
The next evening as I drove home, the gentle thought came to write an e-mail and apologize for any hurt I must have caused. The earnest prayer had brought a sincere desire on my part, not simply to restore a relationship, but to heal myself of anything—such as pride and hurt feelings—that would stand in the way of my own progress and my ability to love.
Mary Baker Eddy writes, “In patient obedience to a patient God, let us labor to dissolve with the universal solvent of Love the adamant of error,—self-will, self-justification, and self-love,—which wars against spirituality and is the law of sin and death” (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, p. 242 ). She is obviously very serious about the effects in our own lives of wrong thinking and acting. And self-will or self-justification can be as simple as quietly holding a wrongful opinion about a friend or family member without even saying it out loud. But it can be resolved by a right desire for healing. It is often about getting a handle on our own perceptions and changing the focus of our own thoughts.
In my case, I sincerely wanted to know how my friend and I could find better ways to communicate and asked what I could do. Within hours I received a kind response with the same desire to heal the misunderstanding and to resolve any sense of division, really acknowledging our love and care for one another. What a happy response and release, which opened the way to greater understanding and compassion.
The lessons we learn are always bigger than ourselves. That’s what makes them count. This experience reminded me of something Mrs. Eddy wrote, “We should measure our love for God by our love for man; …” (Miscellaneous Writings 1883–1896, p. 12 ). So thanks, Jake, for what you taught me!