God's children—responsive, not rebellious

As a young parent, I so wanted the best for my children, as do all parents. I wanted them to be successful in life and to wisely govern themselves. In raising my children I often turned to Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy for guidance. One of the many statements I took to heart reads: “Children should obey their parents; insubordination is an evil, blighting the buddings of self-government” (p. 236 ). 

Since I knew how important it was for all of us to obey our divine Parent, our heavenly Father’s laws outlined in the Ten Commandments (see Exodus 20:1–17 ) and Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount (see Matthew 5–7 ), I felt it must be equally important for our kids to obey the rules patterned after those laws in our home—to not tell lies or hurt others, but to treat them kindly; to respect others’ property; to share; to be gentle, courteous, and helpful; in short, live the Golden Rule (see Luke 6:31 )—doing “unto others as we would have them do unto us” (Mary Baker Eddy, Science and Health, p. 497 ). Not only would that help them as adults, but it would also make family life happier, more peaceful, orderly, productive, the way we’d all like it to be! But the big question was, How could I best aid my children along these lines? How could I help them be responsive to the rules they needed to follow, rather than rebellious?

In figuring out the answer to this question, I learned a number of important things. First of all, it was so important to pray for and with my children daily. One of my favorite prayers is in the Bible’s book of Luke. It’s a description of the child Jesus, and I like to prayerfully consider it as a description for all children. “And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit, filled with wisdom: and the grace of God was upon him” (2:40 ). It was also reassuring to realize that my children did hear God. The Bible tells us of God, “Out of heaven he made thee to hear his voice, that he might instruct thee” (Deuteronomy 4:36 ). I could see that since God made each of us to hear His voice, we must hear it! Mrs. Eddy writes, “… God is our Shepherd. He guards, guides, feeds, and folds the sheep of His pasture; and their ears are attuned to His call. In the words of the loving disciple, ‘My sheep hear my voice, … and they follow me; … neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand’ ” (Miscellaneous Writings 1883–1896, pp. 150–151 ). 

I tried to make sure prayer was the foundation for everything I did regarding my children, including setting up necessary rules in our home. I found that it was important for everyone in my family to understand the rules and the joy and the rightness of obeying them, as well as the consequences for breaking them. Then if a rule was broken, it was the rule, rather than my husband or I, that took over. We found there was less fighting this way, as it wasn’t mom and dad, but the rule that was speaking, a rule that we all had agreed on. 

For us, learning to follow through in this way was one of the most loving things we did for our children. It made them feel secure, and that felt good to them. Even if they still wanted to get their own way, they would ultimately stop rebelling and begin to focus their attention on more productive and satisfying activity. 

During those times I also learned that it was never really necessary for me to react in anger. I understand that children can really push our buttons sometimes. It can take oceans of patience and a continual willingness to start fresh and do better next time! But I’ve found Mary Baker Eddy’s words so helpful, “Whatever brings into human thought or action an element opposed to Love, is never requisite, never a necessity, and is not sanctioned by the law of God, the law of Love” (The First Church of Christ, Scientist, and Miscellany, pp. 278–279 ).

I also saw that at the right time I could share some of these ideas with my kids as well. If children are strong in Spirit, God, they couldn’t really have an angry spirit, or a lazy, selfish, depressed, or anxious spirit, for that matter, and neither could we as parents, since God is the only Spirit and God is always good! Paul, in the Bible, lays out some of the fruits, or the qualities, of divine Spirit. He writes: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering [or patience], gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law” (Galatians 5:22, 23 ). So God’s sons and daughters include patience and temperance, or self-control, as part of their very being, as well as gentleness. 

The word gentle is full of significant meaning. Among other things, it means tractable or capable of being easily led or taught. If one is gentle, he is peaceful, not all worked up or upset. He is not refractory, in other words he does not resist authority, he is not stubborn or unmanageable. In my prayers I would affirm that since God’s boys and girls, or God’s teenagers, are gentle, they are not stubborn or wild or unmanageable. Instead, they have the “happy grace of gentleness,” as Hymn 243 says in the Christian Science Hymnal. That hymn continues: “Self-love and harshness disappear / Beneath its [Love’s] tender, healing power” (words by Ella A. Stone).

So I found that when a rule in our home was broken, it was possible for me to remain calm and that not only was anger not needed, neither were long lectures! In fact, for me it was detrimental to offer long-winded explanations, because instead of responding positively, my children would start trying to change my mind and begin arguing with me. I loved these words from Paul: “I had rather speak five words with my understanding, that by my voice I might teach others also, than ten thousand words in an unknown tongue” (I Corinthians 14:19 ). I’ve found this to be helpful not only when correcting my kids, but also when sharing prayerful ideas with them as well. I learned to confine my sharing to an idea I loved and had proved. I saw that a simple idea they could grasp and take with them, was so much better than going on and on. 

And I also saw how important it was to praise my children! I learned an important lesson about that from Jesus’ parable of the tares and the wheat. After the servants of a householder had planted some wheat, tares (or weeds) came up with the wheat and, naturally enough, the servants wanted to pull the tares out. But the householder told them, “Nay; lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them” (Matthew 13:29 ). 

If children are strong in Spirit, God, they couldn't really have an angry spirit, or a lazy, selfish, depressed, or anxious spirit.

I could see that I was just like the servants. When I would see tares—or bad character traits growing in someone I loved—my first impulse was to try to pull those tares out! But I began to see that continually going after the tares in my children was dislodging the wheat, that which was good in them, and weakening their self-esteem. I realized that the preponderance of my job as a parent was really to nurture the wheat! This doesn’t mean that I didn’t need to correct my children when needed, but my corrections would be easier for the child to receive if the child felt secure that he or she was seen as a good child. Our children needed to hear that we saw and valued the wheat. Children respond so beautifully to that! We all need that. Did you know that tares and wheat both start out green? But as they grow, the wheat turns gold. It was important for me to identify with the gold in my children. Then looking out from the standpoint of their true golden nature, together we could look at an instance of poor behavior and say “that’s just not like you.” 

I’d like to share an experience I had that illustrates one of the most vital lessons I learned in parenting. This happened when our son was a young teen. I knew in theory how important it was to gently, yet resolutely, follow through with the rules we had set in our home. Yet it was surprisingly easy to get caught up in adoring my children and to find myself unwilling to hurt their feelings in any way. I couldn’t stand to see them unhappy, and so I had a tendency to excuse and ultimately encourage wrongdoing by not disciplining them. 

This was not helping our son. Not sufficiently learning obedience at home, he was starting to disobey at school. I was very concerned and praying about it when a dear friend rescued me. She spoke plain language that I’ll never forget. She said that if I did not discipline my son, I was not loving him. In fact she said, “You are only loving yourself.” Of course, I did love my son with all my heart, but my friend needed to use strong words to wake me up, and I knew in my heart she was right. As I grasped how important it was not to continue along those lines, his dad and I finally became more consistent in enforcing the rules in our home. I saw that we needed to do whatever it took, no matter how inconvenient or time consuming, no matter how much my son complained, to be sure the rules were obeyed. 

During this time, the school he was attending kept track of each student’s behavior during the week and gave them a score on Fridays—a number from one to ten, as I recall—which represented how well the child had behaved. We had told our son he couldn’t go below a particular number if he wanted to go out Friday evening. Well, shortly after that he came home just a few percentage points under. He was certain we would let it go, as we had in the past. But that was not helping him do better! It was not really loving him. So this time we didn’t let it go, and initially he was shocked and upset when we grounded him. And I had a difficult time of it myself. Was I being too harsh? So I called my friend. I didn’t want our son to have to miss out on a fun social activity that evening. My friend detected the waffling in my voice. “And of course you are not going to bend,” she said, and that was all I needed to hear. I didn’t. 

This firmness, this love of the child, rather than of myself, began to make a difference. Our son’s behavior at school improved and so did his schoolwork. And today, he heartily thanks us for it.

To help me over the years in being consistent with my children, I prayed with a line in Mary Baker Eddy’s Unity of Good, “God is not the shifting vane on the spire, but the corner-stone of living rock, firmer than everlasting hills” (p. 14 ). If God wasn’t a shifting vane, I reasoned, as His reflection, made in His likeness, as the Bible tells us, I wasn’t a shifting vane either, but able to be as consistent and firm as I needed to be.

I’d like to add a few words about praying for peace in our homes. I’ve often prayerfully affirmed the presence of the Christ. The Christ presence or spirit of divine Truth and Love, is an active, powerful, spiritual, guiding, comforting, presence, which Jesus exemplified. I’ve always loved those words that Jesus spoke to a man named Zacchaeus in the Bible, “To-day I must abide at thy house” (Luke 19:5 ). I’ve reasoned that today Christ abides in my house, too, and Isaiah tells us that Christ is the Prince of Peace.