RELATIONSHIPS December 1, 2003 Issue

I was never alone

By Laura Stumbaugh

My PARENTS DIVORCED when I was in grade school. It was a messy, bitter breakup that left me feeling insecure and wanting to avoid change. My mother monitored our phone calls. She only allowed us to talk to our dad for five minutes a night, and when the timer went off, we had to end our conversation. Once, when I was home alone, I called my dad. The phone rang 232 times. When he finally picked up, I closed my eyes in relief. I always felt better when I could hear his voice.

We were finally allowed to go live with our dad, where for the first time in a long while I felt safe. I had little contact with my mother from then on. When there was communication, however, it was always turbulent. I also started going to a Christian Science Sunday School, where God, and my relationship with Him, began to become clear to me. It was there that I learned I never really lacked anything by not having a mother. I was learning that God was and is my Mother and my Father.

When I began to start dating years later, a pattern emerged—I continually picked men who were emotionally unavailable. They were often mentally abusive and liked to play games or try to manipulate me, something I wouldn't realize was happening until I was sucked in and emotionally attached.