If you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide

Q: Sometimes thoughts of suicide and self-harm go through my head, and it’s hard not to give in. What can I do?

A: When I was a sophomore in high school, my Christian Science Sunday School teacher called one day and asked if I would go with her to visit a girl she knew. This girl was also in high school, and the night before, she had attempted suicide. 

I felt uneasy but agreed to go. After driving a couple of hours to a hospital, we got out of the car, took an elevator up, and then made our way to this girl’s room.

She was there in a bed, and she was covered with bandages. After a brief introduction, my Sunday School teacher left. I didn’t know what I was going to say, and I could tell that this girl felt awkward, too. But as we began to talk, it wasn’t long before we felt OK. Soon, she brought up what had happened the night before—after she’d tried to kill herself.

After she tried to end her life, her very first thought was that she really didn’t want to die.

The look in her eyes as she began telling me about it totally surprised me. I would have expected her to feel unbelievably terrible talking about the very worst moment of her life. But instead she was . . . well, she was actually beaming.

She explained that after she’d tried to end her life, her very first thought was that she really didn’t want to die. I could tell that this was an entirely different kind of thought than the depressing thoughts that had been bombarding her during the months leading up to her suicide attempt.

But it was the next thing she said that really got my attention. I watched this amazing glow come over her face as she described how, in that moment in her room, this incredible love just enveloped her completely. She perceived immediately that this was God’s love, and she realized that she was completely immersed in it. Instead of God being disappointed in her, God was showering her with such palpable love!

As we talked, I could tell that she’d already started to see things differently. All the trauma that had led up to the suicide attempt and the attempt itself were like specks of dust compared to this vast expanse of God’s love that she was feeling. I could tell that she still was feeling how all-encompassing God’s love is. And I could also tell that from then on, she was really going to pay attention to the way God was loving her.

In the months before all this, she hadn’t done any praying, because she’d wondered if God even knew who she was. Now, the very worst moment of her life had become the very best moment. It wasn’t that attempting suicide somehow made God love her. It was more about how her perspective changed when she recognized the boundless amount of love that was already there for her. Everything was so much clearer now: The most important aspect of everyone’s life is actually God’s love. Life truly is about feeling God’s love and, in our interactions with others, bringing the goodness and power of God’s love right out into the open.

All the trauma that had led up to the suicide attempt and the attempt itself were like specks of dust compared to this vast expanse of God’s love that she was feeling.

I could see how true it is that becoming more aware of God’s love changes everything. In fact, God doesn’t just give love; God is Love, as the Bible puts it. So Love is all that God is: all-power, all-presence, the source and substance of our thoughts and lives. What does Love do for us, and how can we recognize it? Well, there are lots of ways. For example, in Mary Baker Eddy’s book about God’s power to transform and heal, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, she explains that “Love inspires, illumines, designates, and leads the way” (p. 454).

Letting divine Love lead the way through our biggest issues, and also through our little ones, makes all the difference. Admit to yourself often that you’re in the presence of the amazing love of God. My friend did this until she felt God’s love with her wherever she happened to be. Doing this washed her clean of all those negative thoughts and impulses, and she went on to live a good life. 

We can all be willing to open up to God. Allow God’s love to fill your thoughts and heart to overflowing. It’s so powerful, so good, and so real. It protects you. Changes you. As my friend discovered, since divine Love really is embracing you, you might as well embrace Love right back.