Stage fright–exit stage left!
When I was a young child, I absolutely loved being on the stage. I loved to dance, sing, and perform in musicals and talent shows at my elementary school. Expressing soul, confidence, and grace in front of a large audience came naturally, and I thrived in this kind of environment.
But somewhere along the way, I was taught by my peers that being nervous in front of others was the norm, and that I was meant to be afraid whenever I stepped into the public eye. I eventually lost my enjoyment of the stage—so much so that by the time I was in high school I often tried to finagle my way out of performing for an audience whenever the opportunity arose.
As a teen, I hummed constantly around the house, but avoided legitimately singing in front of others. I took violin lessons, but the thought of playing in front of a crowd produced fear and nerves. In short, I had somehow accepted for myself that the innocence of my childhood had been taken away from me, and that I had developed a serious case of stage fright.
After several unsuccessful music recitals and a particularly bad performance that left me in tears, I resigned myself to the fate of never again performing in public. Though I had loved Christian Science since an early age, and was accustomed to finding permanent healing for injuries and illnesses by turning to God, somehow it never occurred to me to pray about this particular limitation.
That all changed when I went off to college and I suddenly found myself surrounded by brilliant and enthusiastic people who reminded me of the person I used to be. Some of my closest friends were actors, musicians, dancers, and all-around, exceptionally talented theater buffs. I was continually inspired by their poise, their joy, and the natural freedom they expressed whenever they graced the stage. As a result of spending time with these individuals, I finally resolved to come to God with a sincere and humble heart, so that I, too, could demonstrate “peace and joy and power” (Mary Baker Eddy, Poems, p. 4 ).
When I decided to truly commit myself to praying about stage fright, I was amazed at how inspiring the spiritual study was, and how quickly the healing took place. For example, I found that the Bible is full of helpful ideas on performance. Famous biblical public speakers such as Moses and Paul became prime examples to me of how there is no need to be afraid when delivering a speech. For instance, God lovingly assured Moses, “I will be with thy mouth” (Exodus 4:15 ). And Second Timothy reminds each one of us that “God hath not given us the spirit of fear” (1:7 ). Second Corinthians encourages us to have “a readiness to will, so there may be a performance also out of that which ye have” (8:11 ). With these spiritual truths in thought I could never for a moment believe that God would leave me stranded, incompetent, or inhibited.
I learned that there is truly only one presence, on stage and off. The presence of God.
Additionally, I came to love and memorize a line from Job (which I’ve heard has been a staple to many!) In chapter 23, verse 14 , we are assured that God “performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him.” This Bible verse was instrumental in my journey to healing, since it allowed me to completely drop a false sense of responsibility. It helped me to understand that my true task on the stage was to see that “man shines by borrowed light” (Mary Baker Eddy, Retrospection and Introspection, p. 57 ), and is independent of limitations by being dependant on God.
Acknowledging and understanding these truths had an immediate effect. Almost overnight, I was free of signs of timidity, vulnerability, and fear that had been so familiar to me. The joyful enthusiasm of my childhood performance days had returned!
Not only did I join an a cappella group to begin singing in public again, dance for large audiences, and give presentations with cool confidence in the classroom, I was taking acting classes—something I had never considered doing before. I quickly discovered that I loved acting, and soon was cast in a “One Act” festival on my college campus.
One night, twenty-four hours before the show opened, my fellow cast mates and I were running through our act one last time. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, until I suddenly found that it was uncomfortable for me to walk, and at certain intervals, uncomfortable for me to move at all. A sporadic pain in my hip was taking my attention away from my surroundings, to the degree that the lines I had worked so hard to memorize were quickly slipping away from me. When the rehearsal was over, I went back to my dorm room and used a concordance to look up references to the word presence in the Bible. Over the years I had heard many people describe talented actors and memorable individuals as possessing great presence, and I wanted to understand what this term meant in a spiritual context. From my study of the word, I gleaned several things.
First, I learned that evening that there is truly only one presence, on stage and off. The presence of God. My cast mates and I were not separate personalities trying to fit together the pieces of an elaborate, theatrical puzzle, but we were the compound expressions of one Mind, one Soul, one Spirit. Second, I learned that this one presence is “altogether lovely,” and, as God’s reflection, we include only that which is good (see Science and Health, p. 3 ). There was no way that anything negative could become a part of my experience during the festival, since God, good, is omnipotent and omnipresent. These ideas were very comforting to me, and I managed to sleep soundly that night.
When I woke up the next morning, however, the pain returned and I called a Christian Science practitioner for further support. She encouraged me not to worry about the upcoming show, but to give thanks and be supremely grateful for God’s always present love. I took her words to heart and spent every free moment of the day giving thanks for the good that was present in my life. On my way to class, in the library, at the lunch table, I mentally (and sometimes verbally) thanked God for everything I could think of, from the friends and teachers who expressed so much affection and devotion, to the sturdy snow boots that kept my feet warm as I trekked across campus. By the end of the afternoon, I was completely free. All pain had left me and I was ready to give my full attention to the show.
The performance that evening was, to me, a complete success, and it was the most fun I’d had in front of an audience in a long time. No fear or anxiety! When I called the practitioner again to share the happy news, we expressed mutual gratitude for healing.
As I continue to grow in my understanding of Christian Science, I look forward to discovering more about how “man shines by borrowed light,” on the stage and off.