How I really (really) forgave my ex-husband

My unhappy marriage had ended and the divorce was final. But I still felt trapped. I was haunted by painful memories and the disappointment of being stuck with a life I hadn’t planned on or wanted.

I knew I had to stop ruminating over the past and start living more fully in the present, but it was hard.

I had been a prayerful person, but as our marriage deteriorated I only prayed intermittently. It wasn’t easy for me to turn to God at that time—I felt like He’d really let me down. I’d done my best to serve God and be a good wife, and still my ex-husband had treated me badly. I couldn’t understand why this miserable experience had happened to me. I felt unprotected and vulnerable.

But as I started to pray again I realized my prayers, and those of Christian Science practitioners who’d helped me at various times, did make a difference. I learned a lot about perseverance, discovered hope in a seemingly hopeless situation, appreciated the great good I already had.

Eventually, I regained my equilibrium. There wasn’t one turning point that led to happiness, but rather lots of little lessons learned as I moved forward.

I felt I’d learned many things about forgiveness and was even a bit of an expert on the topic. After all, I’d had lots of opportunity! But it turned out I still had some lessons to learn.

Months later, I was listening to an internet radio program on spirituality and forgiveness, and it hit me that I had not completely forgiven my ex-husband. I realized that I still took some pleasure in seeing him as the bad guy. I didn’t want to let him off the hook for bad behavior. He’d done some things that were just plain wrong!

But now I understood that by not forgiving, I was keeping myself on the hook. I was staying connected to all the things I wanted to be free of.

On the morning of what would have been our wedding anniversary, I woke up barraged by bad memories. I thought, “It’s so unfair that I have to keep paying a price for the poor decisions he made years ago!”

But on the heels of that, God spoke to me with this thought: “It seemed like Jesus paid a huge price—his life—for the poor decisions of others. But he didn’t.”

I realized that Jesus had always been safe with God. His understanding of that fact sustained him through to his resurrection and ultimate ascension. Nothing could hold him back—not even his own death.

I knew in that moment that I could expect to be lifted up and out of the memory of something that was inharmonious and therefore not from God.

Now I was able to turn to God and let Him show me the spiritual man that He’d made, rather than the imperfect human version. I saw myself and my ex-husband from a spiritual perspective.

Mary Baker Eddy, the author of Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, explains it like this: “In Science, all being is eternal, spiritual, perfect, harmonious in every action. Let the perfect model be present in your thoughts instead of its demoralized opposite. This spiritualization of thought lets in the light, and brings the divine Mind, Life not death, into your consciousness.”

I didn’t have to excuse sin to forgive. Bad behavior is never acceptable, but I needed to focus on spiritualizing my own thoughts and behavior, and forget about those of my ex-husband. I needed to learn to mind my own business and let go of the self-righteousness that had prevented me from doing this previously. But this was more than an intellectual exercise or a kind of self denial. My whole attitude changed.

After years of making a big effort to forgive, I was able to do so effortlessly when I saw things from a spiritual perspective. I could be compassionate because I wasn’t attaching the bad behavior to a specific person. I saw that my ex-husband had been as much a victim of evil as I had, and I could contribute to healing for everyone involved when I saw him spiritually.

I’m grateful that things are now calm and pleasant between my ex-husband and me. We generally get along as we deal with issues involving our daughter—something that seemed out of the realm of possibility for a long time. And when we do occasionally disagree, things don’t escalate out of control as they did in the past. This is a big blessing for all three of us.

My life changed dramatically when I finally forgave from a divine standard, instead of with traces of self-righteousness. I was instantly more content than I’d felt in at least ten years, and that feeling has continued to this day. Wonderful adjustments involving relationships and career have taken place in my life as well.

So if you’re holding onto a grudge—legitimate though it may seem—do yourself a big favor. Turn to God and forgive. You’ll be letting yourself off the hook of misery and onto a life filled with good.

Forgiveness with help from God:

Science and Health
407:22 In
494:11

King James Bible
Luke 23:34
Ps. 86:5