When I was a teenager, I felt like a big mess-up, as if I were cursed. I was painfully shy and self-conscious; I wished I could just disappear. I felt trapped—trapped in how I thought I was viewed by others and certainly in how I viewed myself. A single word to or about me that I perceived as negative would make me feel depressed for days, even weeks. When I became physically pretty, people, especially boys, wanted to be around me, but I believed I had to put on a mask to not show who I really was. I created a false identity that fit the trends of the time, but I still felt like a cursed little girl.

My family had attended a Christian Science church when I was a child, so as a young adult I started to attend one nearby and studied the weekly Bible Lessons from the Christian Science Quarterly. These progressive steps provided helpful guidance. I began a career, met and married a wonderful man, and joined a branch Church of Christ, Scientist. Church membership gave me a solid foundation of loving support as I worked out many problems through my growing understanding of Christian Science. My life had improved dramatically; however, there was still a lurking feeling of being unworthy or not quite “enough,” and I would go through bouts of depression.

Then there was a period when the depression wasn’t lasting for days or weeks but months. I was in mental torment. I began to have suicidal thoughts, which then came more and more often. I was having trouble finding answers to my dilemma in the Bible Lesson, and I withdrew from my branch church. All the good in my life seemed to be unraveling. I still believed in God, but He seemed so far away. I didn’t feel that God knew me.