An answer to prayer
I was at the end of my rope.
During college, I began using marijuana and hallucinogens regularly. Following a “bad trip,” I found myself experiencing anxiety attacks and flashbacks of a violent nature. I was given prescription drugs for anxiety and told I would need to take them indefinitely. Then I began losing weight and, at times, literally trembled with fear. I would have certainly taken my life, but I could not figure a way that, if unsuccessful, would not leave me in a worse condition.
About a year after graduation, I traveled with my husband to Sacramento, California, to attend his brother’s wedding. We stayed with some of his family there, and I became a recluse in their guest bedroom, even though they tried in every way to make me comfortable. One day, we went downtown to have lunch with his aunt and uncle, but I did not make it through lunch before an oncoming flashback made me run out of the restaurant. Soon after, my husband and I were left to sightsee, but I felt so weak and miserable that I decided then and there to run away so as not to burden others with my problems. I sent my husband down the block to call for a ride, stepped from the storefront, and started to run. At that very moment, the temperature dropped 20 degrees or so and hail started pounding the street. In despair, I stepped back into the storefront.
I’ll never forget my simple prayer in that desperate moment: “Dear God, if there is a God, help me.” Immediately, I felt a reassuring sense of God’s presence—what I would later find described in the Christian Science Hymnal as “everlasting arms of Love” (John R. Macduff, No. 53 ). That evening, I was able to have dinner with the family, something I had been unable to do before. As I helped with the dishes, my husband’s aunt and I talked. At that time my husband and I were planning a move to California, and she told me this was an opportunity to “leave the old for the new” (Mary Baker Eddy, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, p. 324 ). We talked about church, and I told her I had always loved hymns and that my favorite hymn was “In the Garden.”
I’ll never forget my simple prayer in that desperate moment: “Dear God, if there is a God, help me.”
The next day, Sunday, I went with the family to church—a Christian Science church. During the church service, as I was struggling with fear and anxiety, the soloist began to sing “In the Garden.” The words of that hymn eased the anxiety, and I was able to remain through the service. I thought my husband’s aunt must have arranged for that solo to be sung just for me, so I thanked her later for what she had done. She assured me it was not her doing—and we both realized it was God’s doing.
The next week, my husband and I were looking for a place to live in Southern California. As we were traveling down the coast highway, a sign in the distance kept catching the sun and flashing bright light in my eyes. When we neared the sign, I saw it read: “Christian Science church—two blocks.” I was surprised this sign had reflected the sun into my eyes, because it was nearly covered with an overgrown bush!
We rented an apartment in that town above a garage on an alley. After we moved in, I noticed people walking to church along this alley. When I asked, I was told this was called Christian Science Alley because the Christian Scientists walked to their church located at the end of the alley. This was the third time I had been prompted to go to the Christian Science church. I felt this was a directive from God, an answer to my prayer.
I started attending the Christian Science church at the end of the alley and began reading the Bible and Science and Health. I loved what I was reading and learning about God, and I was assured when I read in Science and Health: “Willingness to become as a little child and to leave the old for the new, renders thought receptive of the advanced idea” (pp. 323–324 ). I was more than willing!
The anxiety attacks lessened but still seemed to be triggered during church services. I recognized this was an attempt to keep me from the Truth, and it made me more determined to keep going to church.
I was attending a Wednesday testimony meeting when the release from this anxiety came in a most unusual way. My habit was to sit in an aisle seat so that I could leave quickly if I felt an anxiety attack coming on. I had taken my place on the aisle and the service had started when an elderly couple arrived and asked if they could sit next to me. I hesitated, but moved down two seats to make room. When the testimonies started, I felt my anxiety level mounting. I became very uncomfortable but didn’t want to leave while a testifier was still speaking.
When I felt I could wait no longer, I turned to the lady sitting next to me, telling her I needed to leave. But she answered me with an emphatic “No!” As you can imagine, this greatly surprised me. I sat back with this “No” still echoing in my head—and just like that, the anxiety ended. I realized there was nothing there to threaten or harm me. I was free.
After the service, this dear lady told me she had become aware of my distress, and had begun to pray. I believe she was just as surprised as I was when that “No!” came from her mouth. The spoken “No!” became the denial of the error and, coupled with the truths I had been learning, broke the hold the fear had on me.
That was almost 40 years ago, and I have remained free from this anxiety. I am most grateful to God for leading me to Christian Science—my answer to prayer.
