Tempted to quit? Keep running!

In high school, when I first started learning about Christian Science, I read something that explained to me the need to work faithfully through difficult challenges this way: Suppose you are a long-distance runner preparing for a really important race. You prepare by running many miles every day. But what if, one day, your neighbor sees you running and offers you a ride home? And just that one day you accept the offer. Then it happens the next day, and the next. If you keep accepting rides, would you be ready for the big race? Maybe not. 

Now suppose you are a Christian Scientist running along life’s road. What if, one day, you give up on prayer? Then you drift a bit and put off praying again and again. If you keep giving up on prayer, will you be ready to face the bigger challenges in life, including proving the powerlessness of death? 

I kept this analogy in my thought when I went through a very difficult experience one summer a few years ago. Although I had always been optimistic about life—and I really do have a good life—I suddenly became very, very afraid of the future. I feared for my health, my home, and my beloved husband and children. It seemed to me that life was futile and there was no point struggling through a losing battle. I began to fear dying.

I lost my appetite, couldn’t eat normally, and lost 30 pounds in three months. I was still able to care for my family and home, going to the grocery store and church. But during this time I withdrew from PTA activities, seeing friends, and walking in the neighborhood. My family and friends were not aware of my mental anguish—I never discussed it with them. During this time I had the prayerful support of several Christian Science practitioners, at different times, but life still seemed futile. I wondered if I would ever feel normal again.

During those dark days, I thought a lot about the analogy of the long distance runner. Finally, I decided I wouldn’t give up or let discouragement get the best of me. I would “keep running.” I would dig deeper into Christian Science to learn more about God and myself as God’s child. I knew I would be healed.

While our children were at school and my husband was at work, I spent long hours sitting on our deck, surrounded by beautiful trees under the blue late-summer sky, with the Bible and Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, by Mary Baker Eddy, on my lap. I read endlessly and thoughtfully, and carefully considered what I was reading, sometimes pondering a Bible passage or a sentence or two from Science and Health for hours and hours trying to see pure spiritual reality. I wanted to understand God as divine Life so completely that I would never be fearful of death and dying again. I reasoned that if I was going to have to face down fear of death at some point, I might as well get to it! 

Finally, slowly, I began to experience something like a sunrise in my thoughts—in the darkness there were glimmers of light. So I continued to read and pray and let the truth of perfect God and perfect man permeate my thinking. 

One Bible verse became my constant companion: “Do not I fill heaven and earth? saith the Lord” (Jeremiah 23:24 ). This became an ongoing dialogue I had with God—I made myself answer this question repeatedly with absolute truth: Yes, Father, You do indeed fill all creation with Your love, intelligence, gentleness, beauty, and life. I am Your idea, an idea in You, Mind, and You fill me with goodness and health. I answered that question thoughtfully and constantly through those days. As I read and understood more in Science and Health, I applied that new understanding to answering the question again and again.

I wanted to understand God as divine Life so completely that I would never be fearful of death and dying again.

Looking back at this experience now, I see how I was strengthened through this dialogue with God. Dark thoughts lightened, and finally, I began to really understand that no evil could touch me, now or in the future. I was learning the truth of Mrs. Eddy’s statement that “… to all mankind and in every hour, divine Love supplies all good” (Science and Health, p. 494 ).

In the fall, I began to eat more normal meals again. I would go for hours, and then large parts of days, without despair. I was so grateful, although I would still feel anxious at times.

My complete healing took place when our family spent an October weekend enjoying the colorful foliage at a camp that serves as a camp for Christian Science children in the summer. Early one Sunday morning, I heard the director practicing the electric organ in preparation for church. The music flowed from the dining hall and filled the frosty golden morning. The words of the hymn the camp director was practicing, from the Christian Science Hymnal, answered my heart’s yearning for peace: “For we are Christ’s, and Christ is Thine, O Father: / His joy remains in us through endless days” (Nellie B. Mace, No. 356 ). Yes!

Yes, Father, I thought, You fill all creation with joy, and that joy is always in me, through endless days. Finally, finally, joy replaced despair.

After that I regained my health and vigor quickly. I lost all fear of the future. I became aware of Love’s blessings in my life every hour, and of divine Life holding all my moments and days. The darkness has never recurred.

Was it worth it to “keep running” even though the way was so dark for a while? Yes, it was. The lessons I learned about God, divine Life, through consecrated prayer will never leave me.