When I was doubting myself
Originally appeared online in the teen series Your Healings - January 31, 2023
Three things in my life that are really important to me are being a good son, a good boyfriend, and a good baseball player. About a year ago, I felt I wasn’t living up to my own expectations in those three areas. After coming off a strong previous year, I was going through a really poor stretch in my baseball season. On top of that, I was struggling in my relationships and felt I couldn’t make anyone happy. Because of this, I didn’t feel like a good boyfriend or son. It seemed like I was always letting someone down.
Everything started to feel overwhelming and burdensome. My days lacked motivation and were full of both fatigue and confusion about who I was. These fundamental parts of my identity no longer made sense to me.
Because of how I was feeling, I stopped attending Christian Science Sunday School. I knew that it was a safe place and that people there loved and accepted me, but I was scared that their view of me had changed, since my view of myself had. I also knew that my feelings would most likely come up during Sunday School class, and because it’s hard for me to ask for support, it was easier to avoid going than to face a wave of emotion.
My days lacked motivation and were full of both fatigue and confusion about who I was.
Despite my concerns, one Sunday I finally decided to go. While I was there, my Sunday School teacher—who has been a role model for me my entire life—asked if I was OK. I’m not sure if it was his familiar voice or his genuine care for me, but I immediately broke down into tears. I explained what I’d been feeling and how confused I was about myself and my future. After my teary-eyed explanation, he was quiet for a minute before asking a simple question: “Are you?”
While I was growing up, he’d asked me this same question every Sunday. The question is really asking, “Are you a child of God?” Little Logan always knew that the answer was “Yes, I’m a child of God.”
That I’m a child of God is one of the most comforting facts that I’ve learned as a Christian Scientist. It’s very special to understand that God is my divine Parent and how that makes me His son. We think of kids as being who they are, at least in part, because of who their parents are. So, as God’s child, I must express all of God’s qualities, including goodness, love, and wholeness.
It’s easy to see ourselves in this pure way when we’re little kids but then to stray from that as we get older. But I’d learned that it’s important to remind ourselves of this spiritual identity even when we feel the furthest from it, because knowing who we really are takes off the pressure. Knowing that I am God’s child, His perfect reflection, negates the feelings that said I wasn’t ever good enough in some aspects of my life.
So, when my teacher asked me if I was a child of God, I replied the way little Logan would have: “I am.”
Knowing that I am God’s child, His perfect reflection, negates the feelings that said I wasn’t ever good enough in some aspect of my life.
I left Sunday School that day feeling like I had a good foundation for how to pray about everything I’d been struggling with. As the summer progressed, I continued to pray with this idea of being God’s child, and I found I was starting to let go of feeling that my life was falling apart. I had so much childlike fun with my coworkers at the camp where I was working that I looked forward to each day and every laugh. Rather than focusing on where I wasn’t measuring up, I started to focus on gratitude for the good in my life—like my parents, my girlfriend, and baseball. I also stopped thinking of myself as being defined by my achievements or relationships and instead worked on deepening my understanding of my relationship with God.
That summer was the most fruitful summer I’ve ever experienced. Everything I was so worried about before I left got resolved, and my relationships are intact.
Most importantly, I now know so clearly that I’m as much of a child of God today as I was when I was that little kid answering my Sunday School teacher with “I am.” I know that God is guiding me as His forever child.