I felt like I needed a break from Christian Science. I’d had some big healings in my life; I had no doubt that prayer heals. But after a series of life events that pretty much decimated me, I wanted something different. Really different.

I started reading a lot of self-help books, and they all seemed to have so much promise in them. Sometimes they had easy steps to follow or questionnaires to fill out, and I had big hopes that I was going to have just as much success as the people in the books had had. I’d go to the bookstore and be in the self-help section for hours, always going home with a stack of new titles that made me feel like I was finally going to be OK.

Unfortunately, my initial euphoria that things were going to get better faded within about a month, as I saw that none of the new “life plans” really changed anything. The ideas in the books didn’t have the kind of lasting impact I’d been hoping for. 

I started to realize that I had this kind of low-level discontent and unhappiness underlying everything that I did.

After a couple years, I started to realize that I had this kind of low-level discontent and unhappiness underlying everything that I did. And I started thinking, When was the last time I was really happy? Obviously, it wasn’t when I’d had all those problems. But it was when I was growing up with two parents who were Christian Scientists, and I’d had this feeling of security that came from knowing that God was always with me.

I realized I wanted to feel that happiness again. And not just that, but also innocence. I felt like without Christian Science, I was immersed in problems. And not only was I not seeing any solutions to those problems, there just weren’t any solutions.

Life with Christian Science had been different. Sure, there were still problems to deal with. But I’d had confidence that even if I didn’t see the solution right then, there always was a solution. Always. I realized that I’d been happy because I grew up thinking that healing is always possible, and I longed to feel that innocence and trust again.

At first I didn’t think I could get that back. I felt like it was too late, because I thought that once innocence and trust in God were gone, they were gone. But I started to take tentative steps forward because my goal was happiness, and I now believed that God and what I’d learned about Christian Science were the way I was going to find it.

So I started turning to God more. And I started to attend church periodically. But this time it wasn’t because I felt like it was what was expected of me. Now I was more engaged. Sometimes what I heard didn’t line up with my recent experiences. But that made me pay attention and I thought—and prayed—about those ideas. Over time, I embraced them.

My problems didn’t all disappear once I started turning to God again, but I did have some decisive healings pretty quickly: healings of a severe migraine, medically diagnosed appendicitis, and overwhelming money problems. 

I was discovering that real contentment isn’t based on life conditions, but on Life, which is God. As I learned more about my forever-oneness with Life, things naturally started to adjust. It wasn’t always quick, but I felt more trust in God. And I felt like my spiritual growth was steady.

I discovered that I didn’t need “10 easy steps” to happiness, but that every answer I need is always found in the Bible and Science and Health. 

And this was key. Before pulling away from Christian Science, I’d primarily relied on my parents’ prayers and those of the various Christian Science practitioners I’d called. My own prayers had felt more on a surface level. But now it was my journey, my communion with God, that propelled me forward. I asked a lot of questions of God, and I always got answers. Not always immediately. But God, my Father-Mother, has never let me down when I’ve turned to Her.

I discovered that I didn’t need “10 easy steps” to happiness, but that every answer I need is always found in the Bible and Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy. I’ve learned that the ideas they contain are potent and can bring healing for any type of issue.

Have I felt happy every day since returning to my practice of Christian Science? No. But I have felt steady trust in God and trust in what Christian Science teaches about God. And there is an unshakable contentment that’s at my core. There is a lot of joy in my life, too. I laugh a lot and regularly have a lot of fun. But it’s all the outgrowth of this deeper sense of happiness that I’ve gained: the understanding that happy is the way God made me, so I can never lose it.