Finding healing of depression at college
I was so excited for my first year of college. It was a fresh start in a new state, and I was looking forward to studying engineering.
I had been away from home for months at a time before, so I wasn’t concerned about the possibility of feeling homesick. But after the first month at college, meeting new people and going to fun events quickly got old, and I felt very alone.
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At times, everything around me felt so cold and dark that I couldn’t get myself to leave my room. I felt hopeless but was embarrassed about that, so I didn’t tell anyone.
My one comfort was turning to God for help. When I felt a wave of sadness, I would open the weekly Bible Lesson from the Christian Science Quarterly or look up an article on JSH-Online.com (the home of the Christian Science magazines) to find some ideas I could pray with. Also, on Sundays, I would have great, comforting discussions in my Christian Science Sunday School class. Although the ideas we read and talked about brought moments of peace, afterward another wave of sadness would hit me. I just really wanted to go home.
At times, everything around me felt so cold and dark that I couldn’t get myself to leave my room.
After a great winter break, I was dreading going back to school. I wanted my second semester to be different from my first, but I didn’t know how to make that happen. After a couple of days back at school, I already felt sad again, so I sat on my bed and tried to quiet those negative thoughts. Then I felt inspired to write down all the things I had discovered about God during the previous semester.
One idea came from an article I’d read in The Christian Science Journal called, “Spiritual growth brings fulfillment and healthy relationships” (Zandréa Krysha, January 2024). It opened my eyes to a new concept: that even our darkest hours can be beneficial for spiritual growth. God had seemed so far away while I felt lonely and depressed. But I realized that these moments had actually brought me closer to God because I had been praying every day and learning how to trust God.
I understood that instead of thinking things like “Why is this happening to me?” it was more important to turn my thoughts steadfastly to God. I knew I could experience a new spiritual joy that nothing could take away. It was hard to see in that moment, but I knew I’d always had this spiritual joy because it’s a quality of God, and I express Him.
Another idea that helped me is from Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures: “As a drop of water is one with the ocean, a ray of light one with the sun, even so God and man, Father and son, are one in being” (Mary Baker Eddy, p. 361). I had been spending so much time thinking about how my surroundings were influencing me that of course things felt dark and cold. Instead, I needed to focus on sharing my light. I realized that as the expression of God, I can never feel empty or sad. I shine the light of God! And that light is always a blessing—not just for me but also for others. Each one of us is the irreplaceable expression of divine Love.
Each day is filled with infinite joy and love from God. They might not come in the ways I expect, but they are still everywhere because they are as ever present as God is.
I also thought about how only God can fulfill our needs. Looking to people for love, joy, and comfort will never be truly satisfying. But in Science and Health I found this promise: “Soul has infinite resources with which to bless mankind, and happiness would be more readily attained and would be more secure in our keeping, if sought in Soul” (p. 60). To me this meant that each day is filled with infinite joy and love from God. They might not come in the ways I expect, but they are still everywhere because they are as ever present as God is.
Writing down these ideas, I put my whole heart into trusting God and let go of my fears.
After that, I naturally began to open up more to people around me and to feel supported by my peers at school. I now knew that this support and love are sourced in God. I was so grateful to see them expressed through new friends and to recognize how many blessings I had in my life. I see now that infinite divine Love truly is wherever I am.
I had a wonderful second semester filled with new opportunities like joining the rock climbing team. Without the fear that a wave of sadness could suddenly take me away from divine Love—which it couldn’t—I found real joy in so many different ways.
I’m so grateful for this experience because it gave me a strong foundation of trust in God and a budding understanding of my true spiritual identity, which includes joy.