Goodbye self-righteousness, hello forgiveness

After I became a Christian Scientist, I was often critical of things and people around me. I stood on a self-righteous, lofty perch, thinking that my understanding of Christian Science had privileged me to be able to see deeply into the heart of things, and to discern the source of problems—with government, my community, my church, close relatives, and more.

Self-righteousness kept me from praying to resolve and heal the problems I saw. And so, without even realizing it, I continued to both unconsciously and consciously look for the “bad” in others. In fact, I accumulated a substantial list of people whom I judged. It completely eluded me that my motive for criticizing others was to make them appear small or unworthy in order that I might make myself look better by comparison.

I didn’t know it, but I had two distinct views of creation: On the “mortal” side, I placed those whom I saw as immoral and imperfect. And on the “spiritual” side, I placed God and those precious few whom I considered morally upright.

Then one day while I was at work, I suddenly became very ill. I experienced a violent pain in my chest, which hit me like a sledgehammer. Winded, I could barely stand up or even breathe. Being a Christian Scientist, it was natural and comfortable for me to rely on God for help and healing in such situations. So I called a Christian Science practitioner, and she began to pray for me immediately. In a very short while, the pain was completely gone.

In a few weeks, however, the pain returned. But this time the pain was even more incapacitating. While on my knees, I again called the practitioner for help. Once again, she prayed, and just like before, the pain lifted after only a few minutes.

Several months passed without incident. The previous incidents had become what I thought were distant memories. But one day while at home, the pain returned a third time, with much greater intensity. In fact, as I lay on the floor, I was bleeding from the mouth and could barely breathe. I didn’t want to die, but it didn’t seem like I was going to live.

My wife, who had been in the far part of the house, sensed there was a problem and immediately found me. She saw the seriousness of the situation, and since I couldn’t talk, she quickly called the practitioner for help on my behalf.

After the phone call, my wife had a message for me from the practitioner. She drew near to me and said, “You’re probably not going to like what the practitioner said, but you are to forgive all those people you are judging.”

I knew instantly this was a message from God because it spoke the truth directly to my heart. Really only God could have given such a message to the practitioner to relay—as most of my critical thoughts of others weren’t voiced but kept deeply guarded in secret, or so I thought. While still lying on the floor in pain, I felt relief at hearing God’s message spoken through the practitioner, and felt complete confidence that God was saving me right then and there.

Immediately I saw in my mind images of those people whom I needed to release and free from the prison house of my cruel criticism. One by one I “smiled” at each of them as their memory appeared to me. I earnestly reached into my heart and instantly found a deep well of God’s love and forgiveness—not only for those individuals I had judged, but also for myself for having judged them. I was following Jesus’ command to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:39 ).

As I cleansed and released from my heart each of the dark and critical thoughts I had held, the pain and suffering began to diminish in proportion to each one my thought blessed. By the time I came to the end of my mental list, there was no more suffering or pain at all. I stood upright—completely free and healed.

God had brought about a radical transformation in my outlook of myself and others.

I knew with absolute certainty that I was healed, not only because my body was functioning normally, but also because my heart and spirit were free, filled with pure love. The immorality of criticism, wrapped in self-righteousness, no longer resided in my thinking. Since they were no longer a part of me, those dark thoughts no longer had any supposed effect or control over my body.

Aside from the wonderful physical freedom I experienced, for two weeks following this incident I felt a gentle fountain of pure joy flowing up within me. God had brought about a radical transformation in my outlook of myself and others. Neither the pain nor the physical symptoms ever returned.

The spiritual discovery I made about the importance of forgiveness is echoed in the well-known words of Christian theologian, Lewis B. Smedes: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

And the prophet Jeremiah wrote, “Wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved” (Jeremiah 4:14 ). To me, this describes what forgiveness is really all about.

Those forgiven may or may not change their behaviors or attitudes, but forgiveness is not conditional on others making changes. We stop suffering from the words or actions of others when the cause of the offense has been cancelled in us. As Jesus pointed out to Peter, when Peter asked Jesus how often he should forgive his brother, “Not ... Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22 ). Jesus knew forgiveness is an ongoing purging of one’s heart to reflect God’s unlimited love.

Forgiveness is the sacred work of surrendering our own opinions and points of view to God, allowing God, divine Love, to work in us to displace self-righteousness and self-justification. It’s the blessed work of feeling our Father-Mother God’s tender omnipresence overflowing our heart with gentle blessings for each and all.

There were many who wished Mary Baker Eddy ill. Yet in her article, “Love Your Enemies,” she writes, “ ‘Love thine enemies’ is identical with ‘Thou hast no enemies.’ ” And further in the article she writes, “I would enjoy taking by the hand all who love me not, and saying to them, ‘I love you, and would not knowingly harm you’ ” (Miscellaneous Writings 1883–1896, pp. 9 , 11–12 ).

Aren’t Mrs. Eddy’s sentiments a true measure of forgiveness? Are we willing to say, “I love you,” to those who don’t like or understand us, or to those we may not feel friendly toward?

Yes, God can change our disposition—and our health. It just takes a pure desire to let God cleanse and transform our heart.