I refused to choose insanity

One afternoon years ago, I was standing in my bedroom, facing a decision that would change my life. At the time, I felt as though a line—like what we might call a laser beam today—was running through my room. It went from wall to wall, and I was standing on one side of it. If I crossed over to the other side of the line, I felt that complete insanity awaited me.

Even though I was living with some Christian Science church friends, and had been studying Christian Science for about a year, I believed I would never know what consistent sanity and peace were like. I was still seeing myself as having a compulsive addiction, being immoral, a pathological liar, and an over-spender. Also, I always had some kind of physical pain.

For years, I had mulled over the thought that I had a multiple personality and did not know if there even was a “real” me. Medically, I had been diagnosed as manic-depressive, and I had already worked up a suicide plan that would look like an accident. At that moment in the bedroom, all I could think of was that accepting permanent insanity and life in a mental institution would put an end to my problems.

I did not yet understand the Christian Science teaching that I have one true God-given identity and individuality; that my very being, my consciousness, reflects the divine Mind. When I was with certain people, I acted happy and talked about fabricated success, but inside I was like a leaf being blown in the wind with no steering wheel or rudder, doing anything and everything impulsively, without any thought of consequences or how it could hurt me or others.

But, in my bedroom that day, a question arose in my thought: If I crossed that line to insanity, would life in a mental hospital be all I would ever know? Would I ever be able to cross back over the line and be able to think for myself in a somewhat functioning way? 

The answer to my question came from Mary Baker Eddy’s book Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures. In it she wrote how God graciously prepared her “during many years for the reception of this final revelation of the absolute divine Principle of scientific mental healing”
(p. 107 ). She also writes about “God’s gracious means for accomplishing whatever has been successfully done for the Christianization and health of mankind” (p. 1 ). When I read Science and Health, I felt my spiritual sense knew the truth of those two sentences was true for me, too. So I continued to rely on God’s revelations and angel messages to give me the hope that I could learn about God and Christian Science healing and be well. 

As I read the Christian Science Bible Lesson, attended church services, and had Christian Science treatment from a Christian Science practitioner, I began to glimpse the truth that spiritual reality was right where I was, not something separate from me. I could better understand what Christ Jesus came to teach humanity and why he proved those teachings through the healing work he did. 

I began to glimpse the truth that spiritual reality was right where I was, not something separate from me.

I took class instruction in Christian Science and was blessed with a wonderful Christian Science teacher. I saw that divine Science had been operating in human consciousness throughout human history as recorded in the Bible, giving humanity an understanding of God, Spirit. I came to understand that the Christ has always been present, and that it never left when Jesus ascended. For me to be saved and regenerated just as people in the Bible were, and countless other people have been since Eddy’s discovery of Christian Science, is indeed much to be grateful for. 

In those early years of studying Christian Science, I was healed of migraines, colitis, herpes, hypoglycemia, and gout. The Science of Christ dawned in my thinking and feelings, and the government of the divine Mind became clear to me. The falsities of mortality continued to disappear and my authentic identity as a child of God, as “very good” (see Genesis 1:31 ), became more and more real to me. I began to know what it feels like to live in heaven on earth, to be less selfish, and to help others to understand God’s love, presence, and action. I’ll never forget the moment when I realized I was, am, and forever will be good.

God’s Christ woke me up from humanity’s theories of mental illness and disease. Over the years, “all things were made new” as the book of Revelation in the Bible makes clear (see 21:4, 5 ). It tells every reader that it is possible to be forever new, heavenly, and happy, never sad or crying or having pain, and I now know I am God’s reflection. I am competent, grateful, experiencing a wonderful career, and having a financially balanced and moral lifestyle. I owe all thanks to God, Christ Jesus, Mary Baker Eddy, Christian Science, a loving Christian Science teacher, and a consecrated Christian Science practitioner-mentor. Most of all, I love to see others awaken and realize their spiritual completeness, peace, health, and comfort in all areas of their lives. 

One of the passages in Eddy’s writings that has been a beacon for me is: “Spiritual apprehension unfolds, transfigures, heals. With you be there no more sea, no ebbing faith, no night. Love be thy light upon the mountain of Israel. God will multiply thee” (The First Church of Christ, Scientist, and Miscellany, p. 183 ).

This beacon of spiritual apprehension has inspired me to keep a “mountain-top mentality” and not get into the theories or mortal illusions of matter-based physics or human opinions. Truly, God is Love, and Eddy’s book Science and Health gives anyone the understanding of the Comforter Jesus promised us (see John 14:16 ).