Learning to yield
When I first began contemplating doctoral study, I was very willing to listen for God’s direction. Step by step, the way unfolded for me to attend a well-regarded university. However, when I entered the university, I became caught up in the drama and politics of the institution. I entered the school with the pure motive of learning, but I soon found myself swept up in maneuvering to be part of the most prestigious projects.
To take one example, I felt I just had to do research with a famous professor who was an authority on a topic that was of great interest to me. Although I was a good student, he wouldn’t allow me to work on his project because I wasn’t from his department, which he considered to be far superior to mine. It seemed to me and others that I was being discriminated against because of my department affiliation. I was absolutely devastated because I was accustomed to being respected for my academic ability. I felt rejected and cast out.
Yet even though this rejection brought me up short, it allowed me to learn an important lesson about human ambition and humility. It is natural to want to grow and improve since it is God who awakens within us the desire to go forward—this divine propulsion is what led me to enter a doctoral program in the first place. However, there also appears to be a counterfeit sense of desire, which is expressed as willful human ambition. Mary Baker Eddy calls this “mad ambition” (see Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, p. 462 ). This false sense of ambition sets its sights on a goal and expects God to fall into line to produce the outlined outcome. This potentially ruthless sense of progress can get us into trouble because it is fueled by human will, not the divine will. It was more a sense of false ambition that motivated my desire to work with the prestigious professor.
During my studies, I spoke with a Christian Science teacher who pointed out this willfulness. I remember thinking at the time, “How does anything get done without great determination—or ‘human will’? ” It has taken some prayerful work on my part to really get it. I understand more fully what Mrs. Eddy meant when she said, “Every Christian Scientist, every conscientious teacher of the Science of Mind-healing, knows that human will is not Christian Science, and he must recognize this in order to defend himself from the influence of human will” (Science and Health, p. 451 ).
I am learning to quietly listen for the still, small voice of Truth that is speaking to each of us, moment by moment. That still, small voice expresses the divine will, but a pushing, aggressive sense is an expression of human will. I know from experience that acting in accord with human will (mine or others’) leads to negative results, while listening for God’s direction always leads to progress. Human will would place us at the center of the universe, assuming that God and the world are designed to meet our needs. However, the truth is that God is the center of the universe, and we serve and glorify Him.
Human will sees the world from its own limited, self-centered perspective, but the divine will takes into account the needs of all mankind. When there appears to be a clash of wills, we can pray, “God, show me the solution that will bless everyone involved.” That prayer helps us to disengage from conflict to focus on the still, small voice of Truth that leads to harmony and a universally blessing answer.
God is the center of the universe, and we serve and glorify Him.
Another important lesson I learned from this experience is that we are all valuable and worthy—right here, right now—because we are each God’s beloved child. We don’t need the approval or validation of another to make us more worthy. As I grappled with my feelings of hurt and rejection, I turned away in thought from the human situation to ponder my true spiritual nature as God’s precious child. I began to realize that I needed to recognize and develop the talents God has given to me, and to express them. This expression depends on my relationship to God, not my relationship to powerful people.
I thought deeply about the rejection experienced by the Master, Christ Jesus, and by Mary Baker Eddy, who strove mightily to follow him. Each had unique and special talents that were not always recognized or appreciated by others. And yet each of them turned moment by moment to God, who led them forward and guided them to the fulfillment of their missions. Although each of them had loyal helpers along the way, it was ultimately God who enabled them to sustain and fulfill their divine purposes.
After I was rejected from working on this professor’s project, I had to take another class with him to fulfill some requirements for my degree. I strove to let go of any lingering bitterness or resentment. Forgiveness frees us from becoming stuck in the memory of injustice and allows us to move forward in God’s love. As I took the class, I focused on expressing peace, love, joy, inspiration, intuition, intelligence, poise, and professionalism. My only motive was to express God, not to impress the professor or to try to convince him of my worth.
At the end of the class, the professor said I could work with him as a member of my department—the department he had formerly held in great disdain. Yet what was interesting was that my healing was so complete that I no longer felt any need to work with the professor. I had discovered that his research had moved in a direction that wasn’t in line with my goals. I thanked him for considering me, and we parted on cordial terms. I then was led to other research projects that were more congruent with my research interests and afforded me excellent leadership opportunities. In the years since this experience, God has given me many wonderful opportunities to express the gifts He is continually expanding and unfolding in me. And God is unfolding His infinite nature in your life, too!
This healing helped me to understand more fully that Christian Science is not a means to an end (if I study Christian Science, then I will get everything I want!). Instead, it teaches us of God’s law, and of how to yield our will to the Divine. As we learn to yield, we will have everything God wants for us—all good, all health, and all blessings.
Though it was heart-wrenching at the time, this experience taught me to trust God and His plan. I learned that our value does not depend on others’ opinions of us, and that our job is to recognize our own worth and express it. As we learn to be unimpressed by others’ opinions of us and discover and express who God has made us to be, we will naturally flourish and progress.
