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From fear to freedom
I couldn’t fall asleep. The next day I would move into my college dorm, and I felt overcome by a fear of the unknown. I tossed and turned, and finally got out of bed and sat at my computer. I went to the Christian Science website that is now time4thinkers.com. Because my fear seemed centered on the unknown, I decided to look up articles on change. One article referenced part of Hymn No. 148 from the Christian Science Hymnal:
In heavenly Love abiding,
No change my heart shall fear;
And safe is such confiding,
For nothing changes here.
The storm may roar without me,
My heart may low be laid;
But God is round about me,
And can I be dismayed?
(Anna L. Waring).
Tears streamed down my face as I read this excerpt. It was an answered prayer and it comforted me. This hymn was telling me I didn’t need to fear because the only place I could be was with God, heavenly Love. And even though my mind was racing like a roaring storm, God was still surrounding and protecting me. My thoughts finally calmed down, and I was able to rest.
Though my move into the dorm went smoothly, those first days of college life were tumultuous. I felt as if I was on a roller coaster of emotion. Some moments were bright and joyous; others were filled with fear and loneliness. I called a Christian Science practitioner to pray with me because I felt helpless in the face of these dark thoughts. She shared ideas I would cling to throughout the day, such as the idea that I was companioning with angels. The definition of angels in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy had always been helpful to me, so I loved the idea that my companions were “spiritual intuitions, pure and perfect” and “the inspiration of goodness, purity, and immortality” (p. 581). Recognizing this present companionship helped relieve fears of loneliness.
About a week into college, I met with my academic advisor. He immediately recognized the dark place I was in. Though he had heard of Christian Science and knew that a Christian Science practitioner was praying with me, he lovingly mentioned that I could meet with the college therapist. Later, I thought about what he had said. It was as if there were two paths in front of me: I could continue praying with the Christian Science practitioner, or I could talk with the psychologist. But really, there wasn’t a choice. Deep down, I knew talking with the psychologist wouldn’t satisfy my yearning to learn more about the unchanging source of joy in my life: God.
I continued working with the Christian Science practitioner, but I felt different. I had committed to getting to know God, and that meant I realized healing was possible. There was a way out of this hole of fear because I recognized my true identity as a free, love-filled, joyous child of God.
Slowly but surely, my days became less like a pendulum swinging back and forth. I felt more grounded in the fact that God was the only power in my life. Within a few weeks, I felt totally new and completely free from any feelings of fear or depression.
I was so grateful for the love and support of my friends and family, expressed in sweet, heartfelt ways, which helped turn me from darkness to light. And I was most grateful of all to God for showing me that as His child, I am never alone.
—Melissa Workman, Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts
This blog was originally shared as part of The Mother Church’s Wednesday Online testimony meeting.