Article December 25, 2006 Issue

My place in the family holiday scene

BY JENNY ROEMER

MY FAMILY AND I stood on the front porch of my grandparents' lake house, balancing luggage and gifts, and gazing at the Christmas lights glowing and mixing with the twinkle of icicles on the eaves.

A few years ago, this would have been one of my favorite times of the year, and one of my favorite places to be. It was a scene I'd repeated since I was a little girl. But now, late 20s, unsure how I fit into the whole family holiday thing, I was filled with self-pity and confusion as the door swung open and the greetings began.

The family dogs ran around eagerly and the smell of dinner wafted from the kitchen, but my heart sank. Deep inside I knew it was wrong to feel so ungrateful. But I couldn't help feeling as if I'd made little progress in my personal life over the past few years. I wanted someone special to share Christmas with and to be able to create my own unique holiday traditions. Would I be coming here, like this, for years to come, with the same doubts and worries? Although I made a feeble attempt to pray about this, I still felt awful. I excused myself and ran into the bathroom to get my emotions under control before dinner.