Article February 10, 2003 Issue

What I'm learning about companionship

BY Lois Rae Carlson

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT, NEXT TO NEW YEAR'S EVE, Valentine's Day is the most difficult holiday for single people. Well, I haven't needed to wait for those holidays to feel sorry for myself. It has been all too easy to cry tears of anguish about companionship or the lack of it.

But I'm tired of those useless tears. Some of the lessons I've learned have helped me keep my peace and expectancy, as well as my sense of humor—and those three qualities are high on my list of open secrets for good relationships.

I think the worst part of being reminded of how long it's been since the last date or steady relationship might be the self-consciousness that comes with the reminder. It's like there's this video camera running in the living room, recording the evidence of isolation. There's the temptation to review all the reasons why he or she might not be calling. The list can be long or short: You work too much, or you don't have a career at all. You've gained weight, or you're so attractive that you intimidate the people you want to attract. You never take the initiative, or you're too aggressive and turn people off.