Learning what really motivates me
It was the most intense week of my life. Between Advanced Placement tests, finals, the start of my term as Speech President, and the opening night of our school musical—in which I had a leading role—I was swamped. Then, to top it all off, I started feeling sick. While resting at home, I tried to keep myself from focusing too much on what could go wrong if I didn’t feel better soon.
I decided to call a Christian Science practitioner to pray for me—something I hadn’t done in a while. I had been raised in Christian Science, so I knew that a practitioner was a great person to turn to for spiritual help and healing. When we spoke, she referred me to this statement from Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy: “Right motives give pinions to thought, and strength and freedom to speech and action” (p. 454).
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“That’s funny,” I thought. “I’m always telling others to think about their motivation. How does this help me?”
I tried to keep myself from focusing too much on what could go wrong if I didn’t feel better soon.
Since I thought I already knew my motives, I initially dismissed this idea. But throughout the day, I found myself coming back to it. I asked myself: “Why do I do theater? Why do I take intense classes?” My gut response was, “To love!” While this was true, I started to wonder if there was more to this that I hadn’t considered before. So I decided to think more deeply about it and asked myself, “To love what?”
Looking for an answer, I opened my journal of Bible quotes, and came across this verse: “Let no man seek his own, but every man another’s wealth” (I Corinthians 10:24).
I realized that it’s not enough to just love what I am doing for my own benefit; I also need to love the positive impact what I’m doing has on others—the joy it brings the audience, and the good it does for the rest of the cast members, the speech team, or anyone else. I do theater so that others can be inspired or entertained, not so that I can personally inspire or entertain them.
I was also starting to see that my motivation to love comes from God, who is Love, and that loving is really about God, not me. Because I was created by Love, I am an expression of Love. I knew that since my motivation was from God, nothing—not even sickness—could come between God and the expression of His love.
I was starting to see that my motivation to love comes from God, who is Love, and that loving is really about God, not me.
That day I made rapid progress, but not in time to perform in the show. I didn’t have an understudy, so things looked bleak. Still, I knew that there was an answer.
In the musical, I was always on stage with another actor who did have an understudy. Having worked with me for so long, my stage partner knew most of my lines, blocking, songs, and choreography. She offered to take my role for the evening, while her understudy played her part. Soon I felt completely better. And I was grateful that even though I wasn’t able to perform, the show could still go on. I recognized this as evidence of God’s love and the fulfilment of that love—for me and everyone.