Julia Espey is a former NASA researcher who once helped launch rockets and tested prototype instruments on aircraft, flying regularly with test pilots. She then developed a million-dollar direct sales organization, and now spends every moment of her “non-existent” spare time painting in oils. Her artworks have sold in galleries in Washington, DC; Texas; and New York City.

Julia lives in Minneapolis with her husband, Lance, and her ten-year-old son, Jackson. But only six years ago her situation was different. She was a single mom battling to cope with a mountain of responsibilities. One day she was walking with Jackson in a local park when she looked down at him and realized she had to be both mother and father for him. And she didn’t know how to be a father! It was kind of ironic, she admits. She knew how to guide a 30-ton aircraft, but didn’t know how to guide her 30-pound son.

In a recent conversation with the Sentinel’s senior writer, Kim Shippey, Julia explained what happened next.

Julia: Suddenly I felt intensely inadequate and overwhelmed.  I didn’t know what to do. When I’d sorted myself out a bit, I realized that what I needed to do foremost was to pray, which had been an integral part of my experience growing up. My parents never lost an opportunity to remind me of a statement on the first page of the opening chapter of Science and Health, which reads: “Desire is prayer; and no loss can occur from trusting God with our desires, that they may be moulded and exalted before they take form in words and in deeds.”

Kim: And that helped set you right?
Julia: Well, that started me on an amazing journey, a labor of love, for the next five years. As a former researcher by profession, I dug deep into this whole question of fathering—both in my prayerful work and through many books on parenting. I must have spent over a year reading everything I could find in libraries and bookstores on being a parent, especially focusing on the dad’s role. And while I found some worthy ideas, I mostly found lots of shoulds, and these added to—and certainly didn’t lessen—my feelings of inadequacy. But as the Bible shows, the oldest and most effective way to teach is through stories, and that’s what I wanted—instructive, real-life, parent-to-parent stories. So I wrote If I Were Your Daddy—the book I needed to read!

Kim: How often did you pray as you worked on the book?
Julia: Plenty! Every morning before I even reached my desk. I think, fundamentally, that if you come at something feeling incomplete or inadequate (like me in the beginning), you’re trying to fill a bottomless pit. But if you replace those feelings of inadequacy with a prayer-based confidence that as children of God we are never alone, and can never run short of ideas for projects that are designed to help and heal others, you quickly get stabilized. Divine inspiration and guidance never stop flowing. Doors open miraculously for interviews. That’s how it was with this book—and I’m sure with the next. I might add that I wanted a book helpful to people of all faiths, beliefs, and backgrounds. So while there’s no Christian-Science-specific language in this book, spiritual values run deeply throughout it.

Kim: How did you find the dads to interview? What were your criteria?
Julia: I looked for what we might call holistically successful dads—happy, healthy, and wealthy. By “wealthy” I mean top in their fields, whether sports, business, music, medicine, or education. I sought dads “rich in spirit,” in the Biblical sense (see Eph. 1:17), who were dedicated humanitarians. Although I knew very few of them personally, I ended up with 35 great fathers. 

Kim:  Clearly, your research showed that our culture is shifting. People are marrying later. They’re pursuing careers first. But sadly, they’re also divorcing in record numbers. How do you think this is affecting parenting issues? 
Julia: I feel society must embrace families in whatever form they take—single, married, older parents, younger parents. It’s important not to judge, but to embrace. But what can’t be eliminated is positive mothering and fathering for every child—and unfortunately, many children are not getting that support on both sides. Twenty-four million kids are being raised by single parents in America today. That’s the population of a small country; and it’s not a good thing. 

Kim: Could you take that further?
Julia: Sure. There’s overwhelming evidence that a lack of fathering is the single most urgent social problem confronting the United States. According to the Index of Cultural Indicators, 70 percent of teenage pregnancies, 71 percent of adolescent drug addictions, and 80 percent of prison inmates come from single-parent homes. If this isn’t a cry for prayers and for practical solutions, nothing is. These numbers tell us one thing: Children need good fathering.  

Kim: Say, your kids are grown. Or you’re not a parent.
Julia: Just think of the divine Father-Mother. Compassion, wisdom, and the deepest love are always at hand. Even at the human level, a child can be fathered by dad, mom, an aunt, uncle, grandparent, Sunday School teacher, friend—anyone listening to God for direction. I, personally, had six “moms” mothering me through the crucial growing years of my life.

Kim: If we’ve got a whole country of kids growing up without fathers, those single moms have got an awful lot to cope with. You’ve been through this. How does one parent do it all?
Julia: It often seems like you have to do it all, but you don’t. Thomas Moore, best-selling author of Care of the Soul, told me that he invites the world to help him parent. Olympic sports psychologist Bob Rotella similarly brought good influences into his home—people who were clearly striving to lead good, principled lives; people concerned to make a difference in the world. Rotella says his daughter learned by osmosis. Parents, especially single ones, can surround their children with people whose values and character you’d want your kids to learn from. Few of these folks you invite would turn down a home-cooked meal!

Kim: While writing this book, what did you learn about fathers today?
Julia: I found three groups of fathers: those who had superb role models themselves, those who lacked any role model, and those who felt their dads were “good” but knew they wanted to do a lot of things differently. The last group was by far the largest. John Gray, who wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, told me: “It‘s not enough to recognize that something doesn’t work. You have to find something better to replace it with.” 

Kim:  So, generally speaking, what advice did these dads give you that improved your mothering?
Julia: If I Were Your Daddy has more than 100 practical tips, and I use something from the book almost daily. For example, therapist Brian Alman gave me a breathing technique to summon patience. Nobel Prize co-recipient Henry Abraham showed me how to identify what he called my child’s unique brand of genius. Now that I know what great parenting looks like, instead of feeling overwhelmed, I feel equipped! 

Kim: You’re now writing a sequel, If I Were Your Mommy. Has the Daddy book influenced the new one? Are they interrelated?
Julia: Yes, and yes, because the best parenting includes both fatherly and motherly expressions of love. In the first book,  I focused on strategies and stories; while in the Mommy book I hope to explore what’s unseen, the heart of parental love, through mommy experiences. One dictionary defines mother as “the substance from which all things are formed.” This “substance” I know as innate, divine goodness—readily available even when things seem darkest.

Kim: Aside from your books, what are your tenets for effective, peaceful, and happy parenting?
Julia: When my son, Jackson, was a baby and I left for work, I’d walk out the door claiming my son was always firmly held in the Father-Mother’s love. This protecting love didn’t originate in me. As a result, Jackson never went through any separation anxiety. So, as I see it, Step One is to identify your own God-given goodness and perfection. As you become more conscious of this undeviating truth, it’s easier to see your child’s innate gifts of goodness and completeness.

Kim: How do you think Jackson will score your performance as a parent later on?
Julia: In my eyes, I’ll have succeeded as a parent if he wakes up eager to embrace the day, loves his life, and is kind to others. Equally, I want him to have strong spiritual ballast. Big storm? Strong tide of opposition? That won’t matter. Because if I’ve helped Jackson trust God and tap the divine qualities available to all of us, he’ll access wisdom infinitely greater than any guidance a human parent could give. If he has those two life results, I’ll score really high as his mom.