ONE MORNING I woke feeling overwhelmed with severe doubts about everything I had ever believed regarding God and His power to heal. It was a fear that the truths I'd been learning from the Bible and the writings of Mary Baker Eddy just weren't true, and that I really could not continue to rely on them.

Sometimes people go through periods where they question things they've always believed. But this was not that kind of a situation for me. I had already been a Christian Science practitioner for a few years, and these thoughts were completely contrary to my natural way of thinking. They were also contrary to my most heartfelt desires, and that's what made the whole thing somewhat scary. I felt I could neither act, nor even think, in accord with the spiritual convictions that were normal to me.

Almost immediately, though, a Bible passage came to thought. It was from the book of Ephesians, where Paul the Apostle said, "Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." The passage continues, "Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked" (Eph. 6:11, 13-16). Paul went on to describe a couple of other points about this spiritual armor, but these particular verses became a lifeline to me. They gave me something to hang on to.

First of all, I realized that the doubts and panic I was feeling had no power of their own to come in and run me over. They could only trick me and tempt me because they were nothing but "wiles"—tricks of "the devil," or evil. And even if these doubts didn't go away immediately, I could defend myself against them by "standing" with God through prayer.

"Having your loins girt about with truth" to me meant that I needed to adhere to spiritual truth as I had been learning it and understanding it in Christian Science. I saw it would help me and strengthen me to hold my thoughts very firmly to the facts of God's complete power, His presence, His allness—and the truth of my inseverable relationship to Him.

"Having on the breastplate of righteousness," to me, included the idea of maintaining my purity. A breastplate protects the heart, and I saw that metaphorically speaking, purity would protect my "heart"—would defend my love of the truth. I took those words of Paul as an instruction, and prayed diligently, day after day, to purify my thoughts and motives in whatever ways I perceived were needed.

"Having your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace" showed me the importance of being spiritually prepared. At that time I was doing some work that involved traveling to talk with college students who were Christian Scientists. I saw that continuing to prepare myself through prayer was a vital part of my defense against any ungodlike suggestions that could prevent this work from going forward.

"Taking the shield of faith" was so precious to me because it showed me that with my faith in God—my faith in the reality and omnipotence of divine Truth—I could stand. I could trust that faith "to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked," those doubts that seemed so devastating.

My struggle with these doubts and fears went on for a number of months. But as I continued to pray with that passage, I noticed steady, bit-by-bit progress. During all this time, so much of it came down to my willingness to stick with God and continue to pray. I remember acknowledging specifically that God is divine Mind, the true source of my thoughts. Along these lines, Mary Baker Eddy wrote, "Know, then, that you possess sovereign power to think and act rightly, and that nothing can dispossess you of this heritage and trespass on Love" (Pulpit and Press, p. 3). I clung to that.

Never during this period did I curtail my normal activities. I never gave in to these disturbing mental suggestions, even though in the background they were still there.

One morning I felt very much as if I was being pushed off a cliff, so to speak, mentally. Because it seemed like more than I could deal with on my own at that point, I called a friend, a Christian Science practitioner, and asked him for help through prayer. He encouraged me with the guidance to declare and know—understand clearly and firmly—that "all is infinite Mind and its infinite manifestation," as Science and Health states (p. 468).

I realized that I could not continue accepting that there was another mind that could influence me in any way. I had to hold firmly to the fact that God was All, the only Mind, and that I expressed the divine Mind because I was God's image and likeness. In truth, since divine Mind was the source of my every thought, there really was no carnal, fleshly, evil mind that I needed to defend myself against. And if there was no evil mind, then there couldn't be evil thoughts or fears contrary to God, to good. If thoughts didn't come from God, they didn't have substance. They were "wiles of the devil"—false, misleading temptations, not solid thoughts that had power over my life.

I remember initially feeling that I couldn't see these spiritual truths clearly enough to be healed. But, with the help of the practitioner, I did understand them. And that's what finally brought the healing. The doubts and fears completely disappeared. They just weren't there anymore. That was years ago, and I've never had that problem since.

The fact of God's allness is the foundation stone of Christian Science. It was so encouraging to me to see that we can defend ourselves by understanding this fact in the degree sufficient to prove it in our experience through healing. |CSS